provoking insanity part 2

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as a child and unsure about certain things with how or why i was treated a certain way. and being told how i was acting was weird and that my brain was warped because…….. well i was never really sure what i did that made it seem like i had a “warped mind” especially being that young anyways i didn’t know what it meant to have a fucking “warped mind”.. so….. i went within and started creating stories of a different kind of life.. what my perception as a kid of this so called “normal” life and a “normal” way of being…………………………………as i lay down in my room by myself and as quiet as i could get the room i went somewhere else………….. i could make it feel so real..  i could go anywhere i wanted, anywhere at all….i hated who i was as a child so i created me older.. mid 20’s maybe..i put myself far away from a life i new.. i took it to new york, particularly the city.. not knowing anything of out side of vegas it felt like i was so familiar with new york and all its streets.. i had absolute control of this world and made it feel so real and if i felt i added something wrong or didn’t like i erased it and re did it… i could hear footsteps of people walking down the street and the conversations they carried.. the doors open or close.. lights being turned on or off.. noisy intersections.. everything…… i created the most loyal of friends who accompanied me there.. when i thought it should rain, i started to see it.. or when i ended up in central park i thought how beautiful it would look to see it snow there and i made it happen.. i could feel the snow flakes drop on my cheeks and my breath in the air as i walk the park… i created and could feel this sense of “happiness” and perhaps a sense of being okay with myself.. i imagine at some point i would be hungry and thirsty so i would walk into and “enjoy” some italian restaurant.. i did things i felt i could never have done like voicing my opinion or standing up for myself so in this world i created i incorporated altercations that would or could arise and only there i could be this person i was never comfortable with… out of pure wonder i added an emotion that i thought and wondered if i could connect with… love….. i substituted my waking life for an imaginary one and went there often.. i used it as an escape… and couldn’t wait to get back there… as real as it felt, and as real as i made it… i new it wasn’t… but it gave me a momentary escape with what i was going through… but the moment i seen the movies “gothika” and “hide and seek” quickly made that imaginary place disappear, and out of curiosity of wondering what insanity and a broken mind was i looked it up and it scared away any kind of imaginary place that i created.. i didn’t feel insane or warped but his convincing statements and words was like he was provoking my insanity…

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