Distorting Memories

I am all for disciplining children and teaching them right from wrong so that there’s a certain level of respect but not to the point were the child fears you…

at least for the men i knew growing up i think it went beyond them wanting to correct their child’s behavior, i feel like there are those who enjoy seeing children in fear.. there where talks from both these men how they were “bad asses” and nobody fucked with them when they were younger, how one of them ran his own cell block (in prison) and how they other had a biker gang who wanted him to join because of how bad he was , both of them having similar stories of being “bad ass”… yet both of them seem to get off on having children fearing them…

 

i wonder if he thought he was a “bad ass” spanking a child till his hand was stinging and his shoulder was sore.. i wonder if the other one thought he was “bad ass” in smashing a kid’s cell phone and then turn around and go after the older one with a flashlight… does it make a man more of a man to throw a kid through the wall, drag them up the stairs by their shirt collar or choking a kid? is that how fathers prove their the man of the house? is it only okay doing that to your own, or if the child isn’t yours does it make it fair game?

i wonder if any of their stories were true, or if they made up the stories and convinced them selves they were and the only way to prove it was making children fear them…

i would have thought how they raised us was learned behavior but later on in life i found out that they were not subjected to abuse in any form and in fact had great childhoods… maybe all of what they did was okay being they were on meth… i feel like those little boys were more of a man then they were and in some distorted way they felt that to be a challenge….

They must have realized that with these once little boys they were a lot older and couldn’t get physical with them anymore, they started to instead of owning or even acknowledging what they did it turned into denial and in fact they managed to make it out to seem as if they were the victims of abuse saying “the children abused, tormented, and made him fear for his life” which is quite a statement coming from the man of the house and we as children managed caused all that abuse and chaos or saying “those kids are fucking liars making all that shit up” and it amazes me how everybody in these peoples life say “they never deserved to be treated like that from those kids, and that they feel so sorry for them for having to put up with that”… to see men go through great lengths to hide all there past is one thing but then to see a “man” turn the whole thing around and make it seem like children abused him and he’s the real survivor of abuse is something that amazes me…. as they go on in life trying their hardest to forget all of what they put the kids through they create these stories to make themselves feel better and they believe that in being older we must have forgot what happened and we have it all backwards….

 

The “Real dad”

my mother asked “did you come to terms with your Dad”….. i paused to think about that question for a minute……..

early on my real grandfather thought that being a young child i was ready to be told that who i thought was my father was not my father at all…  i don’t recall my initial reaction but i can still feel the confusion felt… thinking about it now i don’t know that it ever bothered me, or that younger me was so good at making it seem like i was always okay maybe i’ve tricked myself into thinking that i wasn’t bothered by it…

by nature i was curious about him but being a child it seemed i was to concerned with enjoying some kind of normal childhood but when i got into middle school and things seemed to be at it’s most dysfunctional the random thoughts came up more… middle school, my thrill for fist fights and weed kept my mind occupied from what was going on and from those random thoughts of my “Real Dad”…. even though i had random thoughts of him it didn’t mean that i needed him or wanted him around but i did wonder if he was any different from the man who was raising me.. what could a mother possibly say to comfort a kid who knows his “real dad” wants nothing to do with him as i was constantly reminded growing up, but mom in her own comforting way would tell me that maybe life was protecting me from something worse, which was hard for me to understand being that the environment i was living in was chaotic&dysfunctional .. a phone call or 2 all my life from him which was completely pathetic and when the phone call ended he insisted i say “i love you dad” which was the biggest fucking joke from this man and when i refused to say it he just like all the other men in my life resorted to the cut downs (why grown ass men cut down children is beyond me) the only name i can recall is him calling me a “sissy lala” which i am still confused to what that is and if i should take that as a cut down or not… i gave the phone to my mother, i wasn’t about to tell some “man” who wanted to hear his son who he knew nothing of tell him that he loved him which wasn’t gonna happen… in 17 years i never got anything on my birthday from him which wasn’t a big deal by any means but then on my 18th birthday i got a box in the mail from my real ‘real dad’ and when i opened it up there was 18 gifts , a cheap attempt to make up for all the birthdays he missed… perhaps if i had gotten other birthday gifts or even a note throughout my childhood from him this gift might have mattered.. it might have even meant something if he took the time to get to know me instead of getting me shit i had no interest in.. probably bought me gifts he liked and clearly my step father had a interest in…

years went by and i never heard from him again until i got a facebook friend request with my “real dad” and some kind of a classless attempt at being a father through a social media site. and that was the last of him…

i answered my mothers question .. there wasn’t a lot to come to terms with because i was never pissed off at him… how do i get upset at the fact he wanted he to live and enjoy his life without the responsibilities of having a kid, i look at it like thank you for doing me the favor and staying true to your choices…

Men and Mommy Issues

growing up i was pretty much stuck to my real grandfathers side, the wealth of knowledge he shared with me and the comments that held so much value… he started talking to this girl, and she started telling him how her boyfriend would call her awful names and he tells her “how a man treats his mom is how that man treats his girl”…

……. growing up some of the names i heard my mother being called were things that would shatter any women’s self worth, as if the names to mom weren’t enough, the men thought it was “manly” to tell me what they thought about my mother, they expressed to me and thought i should know how much of a wh**e my mom was… i wondered what that was supposed to do for them telling me things like that at such a young age.. i guess the famous drug addict phrase ” i was high so i didn’t mean to do that” makes it all okay… but then what about the one claims sobriety?

i am completely aware of the fact that no relationship is perfect, and every couple is going to have it out with each other.. i get that…… calling people names is something that takes place right away in life as children and most don’t grow out of that… but i wonder when men call women names what that does for a person, perhaps the names they call women is the best way they know how to have an effective argument… thinking about what my grandfather said “how a man treats his mom is how a man treats his girl”… maybe those names men call women is a result of how he views his own mother.. men with mommy issues seem to carry that bitterness towards women and the abuse takes place with not just one but all their relationships… not to say it holds true for every couple and in every fight… but the men who can’t get enough of calling women Bit***s as if that is the only name they are aware of or the ones who can’t put up a good argument with women so they resort to the more hurtful names.. maybe how a women views or feels about her father is how she views or feels about who shes with?
maybe this guy didn’t like how his mom treated his dad, or that his mom didn’t give him enough attention and wasn’t there, maybe his mommy didn’t remember his 40th birthday, or mommy didn’t get him his lettermens jacket, and those issues with mommy roll over into verbally abusing who he is with because out of respect for his mom he won’t say how he really feels about her so instead he calls his girl those names…

i have heard numerous women say they feel like its them or that their doing something wrong or not doing enough if she could see how he treats his mom maybe then she will see the issue isn’t with her.. if men recognized their mommy issues i wonder if then they could see their issues with women differently…

 

Not so Manly

as a teenager i could some what tell at first and then it just became completely obvious the abuse mom was going through.. how i managed to maintain the amount of self control i did and not hurt him is beyond me…. then out of no where my grand-Father tells me ” a man who beats up on women are not only not real men, but don’t have the balls to fight other men”…

seeing first hand the tears build up and the moment they fell down her cheek and then drip off her jaw line eventually wiping away her face and smearing her make up in the process and then cleaning the tears and make up off her hands… you could almost feel her pain as she spoke..  mom wasn’t the only one i seen go through those moments life for some reason would show me a few more.. it seemed like every girl i knew was getting abused and most of them found some kind of comfort in talking to me about those moments…. in them telling me how there boyfriend beat them up or called them names i could never wrap my mind around what they could have possibly done for that so called man to feel she deserves that …

i feel like part of the reason men bully women is because in some distorted way they find women a challenge… abusive men must seriously think women could put a good fight and hold their own.. i have seen more often then not the abusive man have this big mouth and these fighting stories that some people mistake for being manly, yet when another man calls out this abusive man he completely cowers down and does whatever it takes to avoid getting his ass whipped… and in moments like that i wished the girl he abused could see him cower away so she could see for her self that he’s no man at all… the fact that he walks away from a fight yet waits to bully his girl around shows how less of a man he actually is…

there must be some kind of ego fix that takes place when a man bullies a women.. feeling as if it’s appropriate to put his hands on a girl it must completely stroke his ego to see her upset and afraid… i can’t imagine how that could possibly make a man feel more like a man…

they always excuse that behavior and then manage to turn it around and make it seem like she provoked the whole thing and therefore had it coming.. either out of guilt or completely trying to justify the fact that they get off on abusing women… these men are jokes for men, and an even bigger joke to think people like that change…

 

 

 

Cupid’s point

Love…. i saw early on how dangerously powerful love can be, the light it brings into one’s life and the potential darkness it can at times hold.. love is so important and seeing what a person does in order to Have that love and be loved some times seems like a never ending search that most feel they won’t find or aren’t worthy of and with others perhaps an unfulfilled desire with how many times they fall in love…

i have known some people who fell in love right off bat in every relationship they where in, i wondered if they were genuinely in love with who they happened to be with that moment but perhaps they were falling in love with love it self… maybe they felt love would offer something different with different people or maybe their desire of love couldn’t be satisfied… part of the effects of cupids arrow was an uncontrollable desire… which seems to still be the case today..

it seems like some people are completely confused with what love consists of.. the abuse some people take in the relationship they are in because they feel like that is part of being in a loving relationship is something i find completely sad.. tolerating such abuse for so long so they can feel whatever kind of love is felt either in what few moments genuine love is shown or abusive love is all they know… as i read The dark origins of Valentines day by Arnie Seipel i noticed love and abuse even then… seems like love and abuse go hand in hand..

valentines day seems to be a day to celebrate confused concepts of love and a day for some to buy true love gifts, maybe your the one gift, i hope your the one gifts, the gift before it’s over gift, the day to buy the main gift and the affair gift and maybe even guilt gifts…

Ruptured Secrets

if i could have blacked it out and never remembered it again i would have, if i could have went in and pulled out those memories that altered the rest of my life i would have, if there was ever such thing as surgically removing haunting memories i would pay it… the memory so traumatizing i wonder if it haunts the people that did what they did… but I had buried it away and had no intentions in ever going there again, i thought i did a pretty good job because i managed to barely think of what had happened and felt like i mastered the art of pretending like i was completely alright… i kept the secret to myself…

i tried as hard as i could to keep it buried and tucked away, in some weird way i thought i could black it out so i couldn’t remember it at all… i thought i could trick my mind into completely forgetting what had happened, i completely fooled myself and i realize now how unbelievably powerful our minds are… in a completely unpredictable moment that memory surfaced and felt as if i had been taken back to the moment it was taking place.. the fact i had i put so much into erasing and hiding all that is probably why it came back to me so violently… maybe my out of control inner demons broke through or an inner angel thought it was best on my behalf to open my Pandora’s box, either way it brought me back to place i had completely tried to forget…

i held to that secret, and the fact i was completely lost and so unsure of who i was + finding comfort in a variety of drugs to distort my reality and all the liquor help put numerous seals to keep that secret locked and tucked away…. my mind would push through all that inner debris and bring forth a memory i tried so hard to forget..

as i read Sigmund Freud’s Psychodynamic theory…….

Self Inflicted Suffering

certain comments that are said are just to completely ignorant to even try and make sense of while other comments are completely profound… “you like to suffer” is a comment that was said from my mother to my step father for the longest time and as funny and as serious as the statement is,  later i thought about it and thought how completely true of a statement that is for most…

there was a guy i knew who said and did awful things to this women and when she left he would beg and cry for her to come back and when she did it only enabled this vicious cycle to continue for many years… in abusing her in every which way you could she would end up leaving and in that moment of being gone he would be completely upset with him self wondering why he would even do such things knowing she would leave every time.. its obvious that is the nature of abusive relationships, but i wondered if he enjoyed breaking his own heart, making himself cry and being pissed off at himself…

i wonder if people like to suffer by nature.. like the alcoholic and drug addict who most of the time doesn’t have enough to fuel their need or enough cash to support it.. and with an incredible high comes an incredible low.. but don’t seem to mind those moments of suffering and with drawling because in no time the suffering is gone and the vicious cycle continues..

the men who are abusive in every relationship cause for some reason they can’t control them self and then wonder why they can’t make a relationship last ..

or the cheater who can’t stop cheating and then wonders why they are always single…

the liar who couldn’t tell the truth if his life depended on it, and then wonders why nobody in his life believes any thing he says

or the thief who steals and then wonders why he doesn’t have anything to show for it…

the meth addict who wonders why his teeth are bad…

the easy girl who wonders why she hasn’t gotten married

seeing things people do and seeing that at some point in what they are doing there is a certain amount of suffering that takes place… seeing them do it time after time i wonder if they like making them self suffer…

when life makes you suffer there is always an end to it, but when you make your self suffer it’s because your completely content with it…