Men and Mommy Issues

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growing up i was pretty much stuck to my real grandfathers side, the wealth of knowledge he shared with me and the comments that held so much value… he started talking to this girl, and she started telling him how her boyfriend would call her awful names and he tells her “how a man treats his mom is how that man treats his girl”…

……. growing up some of the names i heard my mother being called were things that would shatter any women’s self worth, as if the names to mom weren’t enough, the men thought it was “manly” to tell me what they thought about my mother, they expressed to me and thought i should know how much of a wh**e my mom was… i wondered what that was supposed to do for them telling me things like that at such a young age.. i guess the famous drug addict phrase ” i was high so i didn’t mean to do that” makes it all okay… but then what about the one claims sobriety?

i am completely aware of the fact that no relationship is perfect, and every couple is going to have it out with each other.. i get that…… calling people names is something that takes place right away in life as children and most don’t grow out of that… but i wonder when men call women names what that does for a person, perhaps the names they call women is the best way they know how to have an effective argument… thinking about what my grandfather said “how a man treats his mom is how a man treats his girl”… maybe those names men call women is a result of how he views his own mother.. men with mommy issues seem to carry that bitterness towards women and the abuse takes place with not just one but all their relationships… not to say it holds true for every couple and in every fight… but the men who can’t get enough of calling women Bit***s as if that is the only name they are aware of or the ones who can’t put up a good argument with women so they resort to the more hurtful names.. maybe how a women views or feels about her father is how she views or feels about who shes with?
maybe this guy didn’t like how his mom treated his dad, or that his mom didn’t give him enough attention and wasn’t there, maybe his mommy didn’t remember his 40th birthday, or mommy didn’t get him his lettermens jacket, and those issues with mommy roll over into verbally abusing who he is with because out of respect for his mom he won’t say how he really feels about her so instead he calls his girl those names…

i have heard numerous women say they feel like its them or that their doing something wrong or not doing enough if she could see how he treats his mom maybe then she will see the issue isn’t with her.. if men recognized their mommy issues i wonder if then they could see their issues with women differently…

 

106 thoughts on “Men and Mommy Issues”

  2. when my ex and i were first together, i really loved his family. then his mom and sister came to visit and stay at our house and i never felt that way again. the they spoke to him left me and speechless and heartbroken. at one point i even ran out of my house crying because i couldn’t stand to listen to it anymore. it’s no wonder he was so manipulative and pyschologically abusive, had no idea how to have a conversation or healthy communication of any kind.

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    • I can only imagine what was said for it to bother you like that. To think that you bared the brunt of the fact that he’s got mommy issues is fucked up chances are every girl is gonna have that from him

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  3. Stacia

    Glad I found your blog! WOW!!! Love your thoughts! My last ex of only 4 months told me that same thing, how a man treats his mom is how he will treat his woman. He treats women like they are expendable, and I noticed this from the first conversation we had. I couldn’t figure him out because he was good at manipulation in some areas. His Mom is a controlling person, and runs a huge part of his business life now, and she is mean with her words. I am paying attention MORE now to my own boys, so they are good men.

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    • Thank you stacia that means a lot to me … That’s great that you would pay more attention to your boys so they grow up and respect women differently than most men today do… mothers are huge parts in who a man is

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  4. Pingback: Men and Mommy Issues | 2l2phant

  6. It’s a multitude of things, really. My ex beat the crap out of me and was verbally abusive, but I never saw him treat his mother bad or call her names. Then again, he was bipolar. I guess it’s different for everyone. I can’t stand my mother and her manipulative ways or her drug use, and my father has never been around, but I treat my boyfriend like gold. Who knows what makes people tick. I guess the important thing is that we all try to not repeat our past so that the future doesn’t have more assholes like the one’s we had to put up with.

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    • thank you for asking …in some of what i wrote on influential father figures i explained it to a certain degree.. mom was all i had and seeing how everyone treated her and the abuse she took i couldn’t imagine being a fucked up son towards her, that doesn’t mean our personalities don’t collide at times … but that will make for a great post in response to your question

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      • Thank you for responding. I watched my father beat my mother until he died. I hated her for not fighting back, not protecting her children. I now pity her for she has no self worth, and it breaks my heart. It took me nearly a lifetime to learn to love myself…. she never did. Thank you for being a man who sees a woman, not something to be abused. I appreciate it very much.

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      • it actually did just the opposite, i feel like seeing disgrace for men abuse my mother in front of men or cut her down to me when she wasn’t around turned it into a complete dislike for most “men” and i looked for any chance i could to go after men … in hating “men” grew a dislike for myself as well … i made it a point to be nothing like the men that have been apart of my life.. do you get along with your mother at this point?

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      • Unfortunately, no. I am estranged and have been since I was a teen. I tried to connect with her after my father died, but she continually defended him and the abusive actions of my brothers who became just like him. I don’t stay away to punish her, but to protect me. I worked too hard to get where I am, and I won’t allow her to tear me down.

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      • Yes, I do. I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor, a fighter and I know what I want in life, in love, and in relationship to my children . I have three grown children who love and respect me … and I have a son who is a gentleman that respects women… at least he respects me.

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  8. ā€œhow a man treats his mom is how that man treats his girlā€ā€¦I have heard many a wise person make this statement. I can completely relate to several things you mentioned in your post. For me, I chose everything completely opposite of the sorry way I was raised. Two out of three children did. The third child has always blamed his childhood for everything and has nothing. It’s sad. Great post.

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  9. I’m so happy you had our grandfather as a role model and that you respected your Mom the way you did! I’ve been down that road of name calling, never being good enough, abuse of all kinds until I finally divorced after 30 years of marriage and almost losing my life. Every wrong thing he did in his life to me and to our kids, he forever blamed on his Mother and Father. They were very abusive as well to each other and to their older children. He never quite got it that at some point you become an adult and you are responsible for your own actions and behaviors–you make your own choices on how to live. You can’t continue to blame Mom or Dad. It took me years to finally gain back some of my self esteem and I still battle with it, but the thing I cannot do is play the blame game. The way I was treated, to a certain extent, I allowed! I could have left long before I did. Before he died recently he did come to realize to a point what he had done that caused him to lose me in his life and I was able to share with him (with God’s help) that though I did not condone his behavior, I forgave him for it. He died at peace finally and I have peace in my heart as well, Praise the Lord!

    My heart goes out to you my friend. I pray for happiness and many blessings for you in your life,

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    • i don’t get how men who have serious issues towards their parents and instead of resolving it with them they take it out on their families…. exactly, its almost those men are stuck in those childish ways and blame everyone else for the person they are… seeing the abuse my mother took and seeing how she lost her self worth is completely sad to me, and seeing now that almost all women who come from situations like that lose their self worth as well is incredibly , because men have mommy and daddy issues…. and i can how you say to a certain extent you allowed it , but i am sure at this point you know you didn’t deserve any of it… it is completely amazing that after 30 years you put an end, and i imagine how completely healing that must have been for you to forgive him and hear him realize what he did to lose his family…

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  10. TeddyLee01, I know what you’re talking about. I’ve seen it and have been far too close to it. I hear people, women I care about and have known all my life talk about the treatment meted out to them by men they thought they could trust. It takes a broken person, a poisoned individual, to inflict pain on someone else. Since that is all they know, that’s all they have to give. It’s a poor excuse I know. But if one were to look at this from a more simplistic point of view, the only thing that can be poured out from a jar filled with poison, is poison.

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  12. The only way to stop the cycle is to notice it’s happening. I could feel and hear and see when I was acting like my mother or when my husband was acting like his dad or when we were squabbling the way our parents did. Then I could begin to say Stop! Wait! This isn’t me, or you, or us. It’s these other folks speaking through us. Then we got so we used those times as a signal to take a break and think about what we really felt and thought. Gradually we started sharing our insights, which made us more compassionate and understanding of each other and what our childhoods had been like. It can get better- you can work through it and come out closer and freer, but it takes willingness on the part of both partners. It starts with noticing, Thank you so very much for calling it to our attention. I hope lots of people read this.

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  13. Okay, so I am catching up on your blog and reading through some of your posts. First of all, I want to commend you on what seems like a man who has seen a lot of things and gone through a lot and has made a choice to live life differently than what he saw. I may have that wrong, but that seems to be what I am getting from most of your blog posts so major props to you!
    I think society has done a really good job of putting the blame on women and allowing women to feel like everything that happens is their fault. Men are not (for the most part) given permission to be sensitive and therefore it tends to go the opposite direction. Somebody has to take responsibility for what happens and since men are not generally held accountable by other men, it leaves the woman. I see it all of the time. These women who have been broken down by men and not always in an intentionally abusive way, but women shoulder the responsibility and take on the blame and eventually they no longer know who they are or see their worth. Men just don’t know how to handle their feelings and so it comes out in some really interesting ways. We are a society full of brokenness and we aren’t taught how to handle it.
    I am sorry that you had to hear such things about your mother and I am sorry that your mother had to go through these things. I am sure she had a responsibility in it with the choices she made, but she should NEVER have been called such names or been made out to be anything other than a women who should be valued. There is never an excuse for mean and hurtful behavior!
    At some point we as adults have to grow up and take responsibility for our choices. We can’t use the excuse of our parents because we are no longer bound by them. If only everybody could see that and choose to treat people with the same respect they would like to receive we would be a whole lot better off.
    This is long, and I am sorry. I really could go on forever on this. I am passionate about people feeling loved and seeing their worth. Thank you for your transparency and for sharing so much. You seem to be a pretty awesome person who is getting to work through some things!

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    • The trashy men I was raised by wasn’t about to define me. I completely agree with you I can remember growing up how it was moms fault these men attacked her and I couldn’t understand how or why it worked that way with mom and for so many other women. I am sure god has his reasons.. Thank for your comment and it wasn’t that long so don’t be sorry šŸ™‚ I love your passion

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  14. Hey teddy I think its so true what you are saying. Perhaps its also the dad who sets the example for the kid to respect/disrespect the mum and women in general. A really Misogynistic father with a submissive wife might make a kid grow up disrespecting women in his/her life.

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  16. This is classic and true. It should make new parents stop to think of the life they want for their child. Do you want them to have a happy life or are you going to try to make them as miserable and insecure as you may have felt? We all have wounds, but life must be about growth. It is a dilemma.

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  18. Timiarah Camburn

    I had an ex like that. He verbally abused his own mom. He did some real damage to me. My dad could say mean things too. Maybe that’s why I used to date people like that. Great blog.

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  19. Teddy, I stumbled upon this because you visited my blog and liked one of my current posts, thank you. But without that like I would never have found this post. You did a great job, I appreciate your prespective and thoughts on this matter. I grew up in a family were Mom was highly respected, and she was also the major bread winner. I learn early to respect women, and haved my entire life with that in mind. I won’t say my dad was a great role model, but it didn’t matter Mom took no shit from him, and long proved her worth, and she taught all of us boy (four of us) to always repect her, and women, and to a one we all have. Thanks for a great post. Take care, Bill

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  21. Great post ! You made some very valid points concerning why many men are verbally abuse to the woman that they’re with. I’m sure for many of those abuse men, it is at least partly an issue they have with their moms. I wonder if that’s a small part of why my niece’s bf is such an ass. The way he is with my niece I’m thinking that maybe his mom was verbally abusive, and controlling with him, so now he thinks it’s ” okay ” to do that to the women he’s with. I’m sure this jerk has never had a good relationship, and hopefully – God willing, after my niece gets free of him, I’m positive he’ll never have a good relationship in the future. Just one thing I want to add. Some of those men that are verbally abusive to the woman they’re with, not only have mommy issues, but also have definite mental disorders… But that’s still not an excuse to treat someone so terribly that you’re supposed to love. They need to be a real man, and start getting some permanent long term psychological help. Thanks for the ” like ” on the post I wrote earlier tonight. I’ll definitely be checking out the rest of your blog. Take Care, Yvonne.

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    • Indeed they do Yvonne. Men (at least what I have seen) have to big of an ego to acknowledge they have a disorder. I’m sure your nieces bf finds his behavior acceptable and “manly”..sad.. eventually your niece will see she can do a lot better than that. Thank you for your comment

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  22. 100% agree. Taught my son that very thing. He quit going over to a friend’s when he was very young although he maintained the friendship and frequently invited him to our house. I asked him why he didn’t want to go over there any more and he said “I don’t like the way he talks to his mom.” I knew then “He gets it.”

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  26. It’s so refreshing to hear a man’s perspective on this. My own father was extremely abusive. In relationships, I started out being drawn to abusers who were just like him. As I began to establish myself as an independent adult, I began to recognize patterns of abuse. I took a long break from relationships while I focused on establishing my own self-worth. By the time I met my partner I knew that I would not settle for any b.s. I might be strong to a fault but he loves my strength. Thanks so much for sharing!

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  28. I found reading your viewpoint on this very interesting. I’ve always thought that how a child’s father, or father figures growing up treated their mother would have much to do with how they treat women. I do still think that has an effect on it, but reading this was enlightening as I realize I’ve been almost completely disregarding the mother/son relationship and it’s lasting effects.

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  29. I wish there young girls everywhere could read this and that you would keep writing and sharing your views on this! I was molded by someone with mommy issues. He recently re-contacted me all of these decades later and though his mom died when we were together, he still has them. He contacted me to apologize me for the abuse both emotionally and physically that he inflicted on me when I was just learning about guy/girl relationships. I barely heard my parents fight so it really affected me. Our reconnection gave me closure and empowerment that I will always be grateful for. I was able to say things I’d wanted to for years!
    My goal is to help young girls understand that they have the power to not allow the abuse!
    Thanks for this post! As soon as I post this, I am following!!!
    Di

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    • I can imagine how incredibly healing that was for you. I am happy you got that because most men won’t do that. I’ll definitely keep writing about things like. Most of what I have written is about these types of”men”. Thank you for the comment. I hope you reach your goal. No girl should ever lose her selfworth.

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  31. Really interesting read! Very well written and thought out, I loved it. I often think about how someones parental upbringing affects future relationships, it begins to unravel a completely different issue to the one you began with but will hopefully enable us to understand how to prevent these situations. Or at least, as you said, let women who are in these relationships realise that it is not their fault.

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  35. Pingback: Men and Mommy Issues | Turbulence at the Boundaries

  36. I hate name calling, period! Boy have i had my fair share of BF over the years that where Sh..s. šŸ™‚ But thank fully I’m older and wiser and now know what I will and won’t put up with.
    Thanks for stopping by my blog. Have a great weekend, hugs Paula xxxx

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  37. Thank you for stopping by my blog. I came over to check yours out and was blown away with this first post. As a woman who feels it’s her mission in life to help other women understand their own inner beauty and self worth, I found it so refreshing to read this from a man’s perspective. And the old sayin’ is true. With the exception of a very few, a man will treat a woman the same way he treats his mother. Too many of us see that though and feel like we can “change” them. But that day never comes. Well written. I really enjoyed this and look forward to reading more from you.

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    • To a certain extent i understand what your saying in feeling like you can change him, i watched my mother try for so long in hoping she could change him and in the process was being abused because she saw him as a better person, no mattered how hard she tried it was no use.. i started seeing so many women including my mother lose their self worth and that to me was the saddest, i feel like no women should ever lose that…
      Thank you for the comment laurie, it means a lot to me

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  38. My ex didn’t actually call me names, but he would make me feel bad about myself through comments…things like “That’s not a good dress for you…you look fat,” “Your hair looks awful. I think you need to see your stylist for tips on how to wear it.” And, he had HUGE mommy issues. I’m convinced a lot of his problems are rooted in his relationship with his mother…and that he was acting out on them through me. (If that make sense.)
    But, thank God I found the strength to get out of that relationship and am now on the way to building what appears to be a healthy one with a good, kind, gentle man.

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    • yeah it makes sense what you said *acting out on them through you…
      im glad you no longer put up with that, and are in a better relationship…
      thanks for the comment elizabethbennett

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