The “Real dad”

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my mother asked “did you come to terms with your Dad”….. i paused to think about that question for a minute……..

early on my real grandfather thought that being a young child i was ready to be told that who i thought was my father was not my father at all…  i don’t recall my initial reaction but i can still feel the confusion felt… thinking about it now i don’t know that it ever bothered me, or that younger me was so good at making it seem like i was always okay maybe i’ve tricked myself into thinking that i wasn’t bothered by it…

by nature i was curious about him but being a child it seemed i was to concerned with enjoying some kind of normal childhood but when i got into middle school and things seemed to be at it’s most dysfunctional the random thoughts came up more… middle school, my thrill for fist fights and weed kept my mind occupied from what was going on and from those random thoughts of my “Real Dad”…. even though i had random thoughts of him it didn’t mean that i needed him or wanted him around but i did wonder if he was any different from the man who was raising me.. what could a mother possibly say to comfort a kid who knows his “real dad” wants nothing to do with him as i was constantly reminded growing up, but mom in her own comforting way would tell me that maybe life was protecting me from something worse, which was hard for me to understand being that the environment i was living in was chaotic&dysfunctional .. a phone call or 2 all my life from him which was completely pathetic and when the phone call ended he insisted i say “i love you dad” which was the biggest fucking joke from this man and when i refused to say it he just like all the other men in my life resorted to the cut downs (why grown ass men cut down children is beyond me) the only name i can recall is him calling me a “sissy lala” which i am still confused to what that is and if i should take that as a cut down or not… i gave the phone to my mother, i wasn’t about to tell some “man” who wanted to hear his son who he knew nothing of tell him that he loved him which wasn’t gonna happen… in 17 years i never got anything on my birthday from him which wasn’t a big deal by any means but then on my 18th birthday i got a box in the mail from my real ‘real dad’ and when i opened it up there was 18 gifts , a cheap attempt to make up for all the birthdays he missed… perhaps if i had gotten other birthday gifts or even a note throughout my childhood from him this gift might have mattered.. it might have even meant something if he took the time to get to know me instead of getting me shit i had no interest in.. probably bought me gifts he liked and clearly my step father had a interest in…

years went by and i never heard from him again until i got a facebook friend request with my “real dad” and some kind of a classless attempt at being a father through a social media site. and that was the last of him…

i answered my mothers question .. there wasn’t a lot to come to terms with because i was never pissed off at him… how do i get upset at the fact he wanted he to live and enjoy his life without the responsibilities of having a kid, i look at it like thank you for doing me the favor and staying true to your choices…

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60 thoughts on “The “Real dad”

  1. Teddylee, that’s such a tumultuous thing to have to deal with. Sometimes it takes many years to finally gain the perspective you did. I could blather on in a very long comment, but suffice it to say I was adopted at birth. I’ve learned that blood is nice but love comes from so many other places.

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  2. It is a hard thing to reconcile feelings in a conversation on public domain or to be expected to act as if nothing ever happened, it was a selfish request on you “real” dad’s part. I can understand your anger.

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  3. I hear you in so many ways on this…would have been better for my mother to make that choice and let me live with my father….by the time I got him back he was sick and passed away when I was twenty, my real family can never replace him…so much truth in the statement that family is what you make and not always blood! I now have my two beautiful children and my amazing husband and everyone else who sticks in my life is not blood related…Thank you for sharing something so personal!

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  4. You certainly had some tough shit to deal with. Seems like writing on a blog and finding a community of interest and response is helpful.

    By the way, plenty of rich dads have crap parenting skills too (reference to trailer trash fathering skills).

    I don’t know if there is clear economic status-parenting link. Families under financial stress do tend to have more tension and such. There is a ton of research on this questions, I am sure. But good and bad Dads can be found in Oaken Heights and in Trailer Town.

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    • i completely agree with you , they are trashy fathers all over the place and in every walk of life… i’m not going after the people who live in trailers… sorry if you took offense to it.. the metaphor i was getting at was his classless parenting skills and complete lack of character…

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  5. The day I was born, my dad ran down the hall and tried to give me up for adoption without my mom’s consent. Dumbass. But I understand what you mean by not being mad at your father; I’m not mad at mine. I don’t know him enough to be mad at him. In my 28 years, I’ve seen him a handful of times and he works 10 minutes away from me, and his mother lives with me.

    Selfishness is absolutely amazing, and we should all be so thankful that we were spared at least one selfish person from our lives.

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  6. It takes great strength to just put yourself out there, call a spade a spade, I’m going to enjoy getting to know you. I see by the comments everyone has already said what I may have, so I won’t add to it, but thanks for being so open. Belinda

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  7. First off~THANK YOU, for sharing your words {and pain} with us…..it’s takes courage on all different levels. If we keep the pain inside it will eat us up. Your mom probably did you both a ‘favour’ by removing yourselves from that evil man! That, however, does not lessen the thought’s of ‘how can some man and/or woman check out of a child’s life?’ I will never understand that. Your writings are very profound! Great Post TeddyLee

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    • Thank you for your compliments tela .. evil is correct as there was a lot that happened between them before she left … I’ll never understand that either … there is always some kinda reason behind it all

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  8. I totally appreciated reading this today, thank you. I’m sorry you had that to deal with – that really fucking sucks. But I respect you for standing your ground and having the self respect and boundaries to not fall into his attempts to father you. That, from my own experience, is a really really easy and normal thing to do. But an incredibly painful one too.
    Look forward to reading more.

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  9. leiladot

    finding out your “father” isn’t your “father” – whatever that word means anyway – is a tough feeling, and I can relate, but I love your attitude towards the situation. I don’t think you missed out on anything; if anything, he missed out on the chance to know you.
    ultimately, I agree with Isobel: blood is blood, and that’s great and all, but family is so much more than that.

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    • Haha exactly I like how that word isn’t apart of your vocabulary…. your comment means alot to me and your completely correct on the fact I didn’t miss out on anything I’ve been fortunate enough in life to have been spared his presence. Isobel said it completely true

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  10. I understand how you feel. I had a very different experience my father was in my life until I was 18. He then packed up and moved out one day and I have not heard from him in years. As an adult I was able to understand and comprehend the fact that the “family man” that I thought he was a lie. He told me my sisters and I were the biggest mistakes of his life and how I ruined his chances to be who he wanted to be. I agree with others who say you did not miss out on anything. Family is not always blood I have had the chance to realize that over the past 6 years. My mom however tries to make sure we feel comfortable with our dad. I do not think I could EVER be okay with him again.

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  11. As of now no. If I had contact I think things could possibly be different. Mostly because I had 18 years of him being a good father rather than 6 years of not so good. He will not return phone calls texts or emails so I would not even have the opportunity to forgive him.

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  12. Thanks for sharing your story. My mom used to also tell me that my dad didn’t want anything to do with me…that he couldn’t wait to sign the adoption papers for my step-dad to adopt me. I refused to believe that. After my mom and “real dad” died I found letters he had written about it. It sounded so cold and impersonal. He referred to me by my full name only and never mentioned love. I least I know have closure..as much as possible anyway. Thanks for the “like” on my blog by the way.

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  13. Thanks for sharing! You are way blessed for the experiences you had.. I grew up having both my bio family but I feel alienated all those years I was with them but your mom and your “father” did well despite the challenges you had. Keep it up and stay cool always!
    Cheers,
    Mikee

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  14. Hi Teddy, what a very touching post this was. If you realize it or not, you are not only helping yourself with your writing, but you are helping others as well. Keep it up! Ever thought of writing a book or some short stories? You have tons of stories to tell? Stay great!

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