Dynamic Walls

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In understanding myself i went back as early as my mind would allow me, to my first taste of what it felt like to be hurt…

my inner child started piecing together this place that would provide a sense of security and keep everyone out, i could see it as a whole, and i could see it in it’s earliest stages of taking it’s form… i could see his confidence in the fact he knew what he was building and the purpose it would serve me, life didn’t seem to stop handing him bricks, which worked for him because he wanted it multiple bricks thick and high enough to reach the heavens, something so you couldn’t tell what was going on and no one could breakdown… This child stood back and excitedly acknowledged this wall he built… he realized that while it is invisible to the eye, it would be felt and serve a purpose only to be recognized and understood later on in life.. knowing he had shut everyone out he created worlds all his own, in his own way so he wouldn’t feel alone.. he included and excluded anything and everything he wanted…

Recently i started acknowledging these walls i built… i saw the magnitude of it, i saw how teddy protected himself from the things that happened and all the future things that would take place… he couldn’t do it psychically but he could emotionally… i see that when things take place as a child the walls go under immediate construction to provide some kind of shelter or safe place within… the walls had kept everyone out for so long that no one knew me, knew how i felt or knew what was going.. the walls seemed to intensify under certain situations i feel like they took on a life of their own or perhaps that’s how i designed them…

when i was a little older the youngest of my uncles gave me “The wall” by pink Floyd and i was completely fascinated by the movie and the album… Sometimes things are handed to you in life to help you make sense of certain things if not now then later on in life…

as I began to understand myself i saw and understood these these walls more clearly, i saw how my life revolved around building these walls and instead of tearing it apart i would leave it up but i created a door into it and instead of keeping everyone out, i let certain people in….

there’s something powerful about your walls, although you can build it willingly, life will put them up for you automatically…

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64 thoughts on “Dynamic Walls

  1. Wow, you have such amazing insight teddylee. Thanks for the post. I can honestly agree with you. Life starts building our walls for us. It’s up to us to put in a door. I haven’t looked at it this way before now.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Great post! And I think we all put up walls in defense, to protect us. Sadly though, some people cannot get past their own walls. I like how you talk about a door also!!

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  3. Merryn

    heart-wrenching but full of hope at the same time! Teddy I am so intrigued and uplifted by your journey. Even though I don’t know you personally, the more I read on your blog the more I am convinced you are going to help a lot of people, even as you are doing right now, and your story will shine as an example of those who can heal in this lifetime.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. What I hate is when you build a wall, then you think your safe so you knock down that wall; only to have to rebuild it after someone has ruined your safety. That’s the time to put in a window. At least, that’s my life right now.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The fact that you can look at your walls and understand them is amazing to me. Amazing because it is so brave of you to be able to look back and try to break through those walls. Heck, just looking at them can be so intimidating! My hat is off to you.

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  6. Monique

    As long as the walls aren’t white and there are more than 4 corners in the room … yes …then walls are OK. Nice post. Thanks!

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  7. darladwire

    Although you have a great insight, It sucks that you had to feel the torment you so passionately speak of. It is true life builds walls and we have to be the one who lets the sun in. Trusting in yourself is a great step in concurring any adversity you face. Understanding at times we have no control over certain issues that have plagued us our whole life, is the most important step you can take.
    Good story. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and allowing me to get to know the real you.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I can only imagine how hard it must’ve been, for you to put those walls around you up, even IF it was for the purpose of protecting yourself from getting hurt, but, eventually, these HARD-as-HELL walls will crumble down, like when there are llife-altering experiences (i.e. death of a loved one, marriage, having children), then, you will come to realize, that you’d have to take those walls you’d built all around you, for protection’s sake down, because keeping these walls up all the time, it puts a strain on your life.

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  9. Amazinf .. from your taste of music I knew you were of a different kind and I had to check your blog .. I am sorry cause I am busy now and I am not able to read the rest of your posts but surely I will as soon as I am home.
    You see Teddy in life everything happens for a reason and you keep on getting these messages and signs which sometimes or most of the time you don’t really get its point and why they were given to you .. like the Pink F. album ..
    even people they come and go some are blessings but mostly they are lessons , they will come into your life .. there is a reason for it , a message to be delivered to you .. I don’t know about you but most of the msg I get are to teach me lessons on how to improve my communication with others ,,,, I am mostly misunderstood or end up being hurt by those who I loved dearly and I think the problem is with me .. that I shoul make the right choices on who to let in and out of my life .. so as you said you build these walls but what is good when it comes to your case is the door that you made , not isolating yourself but letting in who is worth your time,attention, friendship, love and just to be part of your life knowing that they will be there through the good and bad .. time and life teaches you that and show you to stay away from the fake ones who are just a waste of your time and anergey , Loved it ,, great post and very interesting mentality you have I gotta admit .. I like the way your mind work and thoughts ponder .. I wil be coming back to check out your blog cause it seems like a worth one to read , take care and have a nice day ..
    P.s thank you for liking my posts .. I am honored ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    • i completely agree with you, i was raised being told it’s all a sign and a message of some sort… it took me a while to get and understand certain things that took place, but i am sure like you said that time will reveal it all to me… your welcome, i enjoy your blog…
      thank you for the comment i appreciate it ….

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      • It’s my pleasure Teddy .. sorry I didn’t reply earlier I was sick since it is already summer in here and the dusty wind damaged my eyes since I wear lenses but I am ok now and very very glad to read your comment ..it is nice to finally have the chance to get in touch with you since I always see you around and wanted to thank you personally for taking the time to read my blog and for your support as well .. it means a lot to me ..By the way, where are you from ?
        Well thank you again for reading and following my blog , and I have to admit that seeing your pic whenever I get a notification makes me smile cause I think we do have things in common and you do seem to like the things that I like the most .. it is my honor and I hope you will always be there πŸ˜‰ take care xoxo

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  10. Thank you for sharing this, I can hear your heartfelt voice in this…and I too love the line about having doors in our walls…healing takes time and can only happen around certain people…keep up the great work πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • thank you πŸ™‚ i am glad you liked, it’s funny because when i was writing it i could see that younger me completely at work with what he was building so when you said you could hear my heartfelt voice in it means a lot to me…

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Teddy, you’re so right on target. You described me exactly. We build up those walls to protect ourselves, and it takes a long time to work through the pain. Writing helps. Keep writing. It’s my therapy.

    For so long, I couldn’t stand to see a person with a beer bottle because of childhood abuse. My hubby isn’t much of a drinker. Two beers after work. He mentioned last week he wasn’t going to buy anymore. I asked why. He told me I go to another room and avoid him when he drinks. I realized he was right. I told him to keep doing what he does, and I’m going to work through it.

    So keep working. It’s a long journey, and we may never get past all the scars. Great post. πŸ™‚

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  12. A very powerful post! I too had built walls in my earlier years so that no one could breach them and I found that I was becoming a cold person, distrustful of everyone and not willing to let anyone in.
    When I figured out what I was doing, through much reflection and good counseling, I tore my walls down. I had filled that space with self-love and confidence and I no longer felt that I needed to keep that wall between myself and others. Instead, I chose to build up my inner child so that she no longer felt that she had to hide.
    It sounds like you have done a lot of work and have built up your inner child so that he no longer needs to hide completely behind those walls, good for you!

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    • Thats amazing thank you for sharing your story. My mother started explaining to me certain things about my inner child and how to heal teddy. I started to see how important that is to heal so you can move forward in life. Thank you for the comment

      Liked by 1 person

      • It is so important to heal your inner child and I find that it is an ongoing process. Just when I think that I’ve gotten over one thing, something else comes up to the surface. The important piece is that we should never give up healing that inner child and validating his/her feelings. πŸ’™

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  13. I absolutely love this line
    “i saw how my life revolved around building these walls and instead of tearing it apart i would leave it up but i created a door into it and instead of keeping everyone out, i let certain people in….”
    Simply well put!

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  14. Kari I.

    My nature feels like disagreeing…. though I see nothing to disagree with. I am feeling like writing about my walls on my site. I’ve been wanting to write about my dad anyway. Here’s the late great Bukowski. I put it on an image… just for you, but then couldn’t leave an image, haha. Oh, my time, so invaluable anyway.

    “there is a loneliness in this world so great
    that you can see it in the slow movement of
    the hands of a clock.

    people so tired
    mutilated
    either by love or no love.

    people just are not good to each other
    one on one.

    the rich are not good to the rich
    the poor are not good to the poor.

    we are afraid.

    our educational system tells us
    that we can all be
    big-ass winners.

    it hasn’t told us
    about the gutters
    or the suicides.

    or the terror of one person
    aching in one place
    alone

    untouched
    unspoken to

    watering a plant.”
    β€” Charles Bukowski

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