Behavioral Improv’s

A couple years ago when my youngest brother was like 3 or 4, i remember watching him searching for this outfit and not giving up till he found it, when he found it there was serious focus in putting it on and once he put on his black spider man mask to complete the outfit, he went right into character without even trying.. I let my mind drift back to his age and the moments when i could convince myself i could be anyone i wanted….

my first time watching “Harriet the spy” i completely thought i was a little spy myself and once i had all those things that i believed to make me a spy, i was completely convinced, i even took notes from blues clues to become a better spy.. Being raised by women i was completely mesmerized by Their long dark hair and all the colored heels they wore, the different colored strings, the bra’s, the purses, nylons, jewelry, tight spandex, glitter and all the layers of make up they spent so much time putting on, as a little boy that was another character i convinced myself i could be and having a little sister who liked to play dress up was perfect, between the barbie dolls and the women in our lives it inspired the make up we wore down to the heels we picked out… i could go right from that into a full blown construction worker… maybe being a gemini made it even more so easier…

I realize that i didn’t lose that side to me right away and it would serve me as long as i needed it… when i was older and certain things took place i felt i needed to “pretend” like everything was all right around everyone… what took place when no one was around and behind closed doors that left me feeling broken and altered but as soon as i got in front of someone or walked back through that door i went right back into “pretending” like i was happy and fine.. I could fool most, but i realized it only added to the fact that i remained lost and untrue to myself. The things i pretended i had found comfort in…  i started thinking about the fact that as children we can go into being someone else and pretending certain things to be true even though they’re not…

I am sure everyone has there reason for pretending to be okay or alright, i remember when i was younger seeing my mother cry and when i asked her if she was alright she would say “everything was fine” as she wiped her eyes, her pretending to be okay so i wouldn’t worry… some people can pretend so well no one would ever guess there is something wrong, i noticed though there are people who can see right through the fact your pretending… but how long could you really pretend for, at some point even an actor gets burnt out… i became exhausted and tired in pretending certain things, i found myself looking back on my life and the process of becoming true to who i was began to take place..

Coming to terms with my past i didn’t find it necessary to continue pretending with certain things, and i found this Real me character far more fascinating than anything i pretended to be…