moments in time

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his palms were firmly pressed down on an ice chest, his knee’s were slightly bent as if he was so accustomed to that position he was stuck in it, he was fully clothed but his pants wrapped around hes ankles like a form of shackles were confining him to that moment in time, the blood dripping down the back of his thigh was still as red as when it first happened… and his eyes, completely expressionless as if the moment the penetration took place it punctured his soul and left him lifeless in that moment in time… he was locked in that moment, stuck in a position so vulnerable, and as i walk around him i wondered the ways to help free him… i soon realized that this person i was starring at…. was me.. i seemed to have forgot all about him…

i started seeing not just that piece of me locked in that moment, but other violent moments shut me down, then locked me up…

i wondered if the person who penetrated me or got physical with me turned me to stone, hoping those moments would forever stay still, silent and long forgotten… perhaps i locked myself in those moments hoping i would forget it all together as a form of self preservation….

how do i unlock those moments in time, and if i could, would i want to? Does anything good ever come from unlocking Pandora’s box? or do i have the power of the outcome…

Did he in those moments want to be unlocked? was he waiting for me to remember so i could comeback to him…

i knew in unlocking that moment that memory would have to play itself out, but doing so was essential to healing… i had no control over what took place, so i withdrew from those moments to protect me, my sanity, or maybe my soul.. no key unlocked it, only willingness to heal those moments unlocks it… healing that moment, would allow me to move forward…

While time never stands still, i became locked inside a moment in time… .

 

 

 

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81 thoughts on “moments in time

  1. You are sharing such raw memories here. But you turn them to poetry, distilling this terrible thing that was done to you into a metaphor that helps us all understand. Thank you for your courage.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are the most courageous blogger I know to share such horrible memories because I know it’s hard.

    Please keep writing and sharing. You blocked out things as a survival mechanism. The mind’s way to protect oneself from the abuse especially at that age. I know from experience and my psychology background.

    You are MY inspiration because as I race toward publishing my book, under a pen name to protect those I forgave years ago, I am STILL so scared to lay myself bare to the world. I honestly don’t care if my book is a success or failure.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m working and doing my best to make it a great read. However, writing has been MY therapy.

    Just know you are blessing me each and every time you post. I read your raw pain, see you come to terms with your past, and hope when the time comes I’ll submit my book for publication. YOU will be the reason I click the submit button.

    Thank you Teddylee for giving me a reason to continue facing the demons of my past. (((hugs)))

    Liked by 2 people

    • i am at a loss for words Anna, i wouldn’t know where to start by telling you how much that means to me… certain things i struggle to hold onto but i will hold that comment very close…
      i know what you mean about being afraid, but you see Anna, you will reach and touch many by exposing yourself to the world as i am sure you already are…
      again, thank you anna, it means the world to me…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. NotAPunkRocker

    Powerful and sorrowful. Thank you for sharing this story, hopefully it helps with your healing and will help others too.

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  4. Wow.
    I just want you to know that I am sorry for all you have felt, but hopeful for all you will feel.
    You are healing and while you do that I send you all the love, hugs and encouragement you need.
    Take care of yourself lovely xoxoxo

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  5. Fortunately and unfortunately, memory can act as the gatekeeper to a lot of things… The human mind has a certain ability to compartmentalize thoughts and emotions, and if connected to a certain moment from the past, can keep that moment separate from the mainstream of memory.. like taking fish out of a river. I think it always does some good to face those moments.. there may be questions or answers you haven’t a chance to come across because it’s been hidden away for some time.. you may learn something about yourself that you wouldn’t otherwise… pain can be good for that reason..

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    • thats fascinating, i never looked at it that way…
      i agree, it does do good to face those moments, though im barely doing that now, i see how powerful it is to embrace certain things…
      Thank you rynopages

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  6. Teddy you just never cease to amaze me with your courage in sharing the things you have suffered. I know it helps with your healing and I pray for you always to be able to fully heal. I thank God for the way He is with you to support as you take each step closer to freedom, my friend. Sending virtual hugs your way.

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  7. Willy Nilly

    That’s very powerful Teddy. You are the one that stays in the fight, and by doing so, gives courage to others to also stay. That is how battles are won. When everyone stays and fights together.

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      • Willy Nilly

        Teddy, Your story has touched many hearts and I wanted to recognize you for speaking out about your life on my blog with a nomination for the Brave Heart award. you will likely receive repeated awards in quick succession from people due to the power of your words. If you would like to accept the nomination or simply read my post about Brave Hearts, you can go to the link below for more information. You give everyone that reads your blog an inspiration to heal through the message of coping and ultimately healing so elegantly revealed by your words. -Kindest Regards, Daniel

        http://dwhinson56.wordpress.com/2014/05/23/the-brave-hearts/

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  8. Teddy, tears are in my eyes. I share memories as you have, and these words were so hard for me to read. No matter how much healing I do, if I focus on what happened “then” I don’t think I would survive in the present. You are extremely brave for writing what you do. I also know I was following you (sigh) and coming to your site I see once again, the gremlin strikes. I am refollowing you. Hope this time it stays. Love, Amy

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  9. I hope you can feel the importance of this blog to others by the comments they are leaving, and I hope it is helping you to wash away some of the hurt left behind. This was beautiful.

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  10. Thank you for sharing such a difficult experience. I have an entire childhood I have blocked and I keep telling myself I blocked it for a reason so I don’t think I want to know what it was now. You are very brave. Beautifully written.

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  11. I pray for healing. So much pain. So powerfully written. I hope you have healthy loving healing relationships in your life, so that you can experience God’s grace and love for you.

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  12. You are an amazing, resilient and strong man. The horrible things that have happened and been done to you have made you that way. I firmly believe that moments locked in time like that can be looked at, understood, and be forgotten comfortably. I believe that we do not need to necessarily open Pandora’s Box. A mere peek can be plenty enlightening. But that’s me. Each of us have to chose our own path. Perhaps you need to open the box to completely heal. But I am proof that you can change patterns and learned behaviors, and use the strength you gained to put away such memories as just that. They can no longer hurt you. The people who hurt you can do so no longer. You are free and you are whole!

    The blessings of the universe on you.

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  13. I remember going through all of those memories. Getting in touch with who was in there and understanding that, like a previous comment said, there was and is hope waiting at he bottom of the box. My box is not empty of all the pain and memories. And sometimes they still sneek out and scare the crap out of me. But you are so brave to share this part of your healing with others. Thank you for your courage. ou are amazing!

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  14. Hey Teddy. Post traumatic freeze is very real.. only those who have been there can know how that feels. Did you ever read any of Peter Levine’s books on trauma? Its a really brave step to be able to feel the freeze that is like death and the trapped energy which cant go forward, well its agony.. I know. I wasn’t abused sexually but I was trapped in a car and very close to death with a punctured lung. .. like you I can revisit that place and see myself. I still experience freeze every morning and its a challenge to get moving. I think its so powerful to share all this and can really relate. People who haven’t been there don’t understand it maybe in the past but for the psyche it is still present and real…..sending you healing wishes. Deborah

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    • i never knew that, i was aware of ptsd, but not that… ill have to check out that book by adam levine…
      im very sorry to hear that, hopefully your healing from that experience…
      thank you for the comment deborah πŸ™‚

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      • One of his books is called Waking the Tiger. He has written a few too on children and trauma. His name is actually Peter Levine. He shows that we can break free of freeze by learning to be aware of it and finding and freeing the life energy that got stuck in that traumatic moment. I wish his stuff was more widely known.

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  15. Thank you for sharing such difficult memories. I have a pandora’s box rusted and covered in dust. You are a very strong person if this abuse took place any time in the near past. I had abuse at home and on the streets, the memories have poured out since starting the blog. The secret in the box is my father sexually abusing me. I may never be ready to talk about, disassociation has worked for almost 40 years. I forgave him and buried him in 1992 from suicide. I’ve asked myself many of the same questions. The answers are damn hard. You have a beautiful writing style even with the difficult subject. I’m going follow you. I’m here holding out a hand if you need one sometime. You are very strong and are a Survivor.
    Warrior

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  16. Merryn

    Hi Teddy, I missed reading your posts and so glad I checked in tonight and found this heart-wrenching account. You are such a victor in all of this- though your abuser selfishly scarred you for life and ruined your childhood, I am amazed at your courage to rise from the ashes. I felt such pain in my heart as I read this post- I wanted to cry for the way you were mercilessly treated. I also wanted to chase down the abuser and hurt them severely for what they did to your precious, vulnerable, young life. My comfort comes from the promise God makes, “Vengeance is Mine- I will repay. If I could reach out and hug you I would- you are so precious and noone should be treated with such cruelty.

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  17. Thank you for your brave post. This is the kind of blog that I have been searching for, someone who shares something with the world that is more than not buried deep in our inner vaults, the place where we hide all our hurt, the place that essentially defines who and what we may become one day, good or bad. It’s this kind of brutal honesty that when read by someone who has experienced similar can finnaly see that they are not alone and there is indeed hope for him/her. So once again, I say thank you.

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  18. more than 70 comments…TeddyLee – I cannot add to any of the eloquent words written above. Deeply sorrowful for your hurt – for your pain and the pain of all those who experience abuse – sexual and otherwise. Your writing is cathartic for you and a guidepost for others. Remember – you all are worth your weight in gold. Do not let evil steal your hearts and spirit. Your flesh and mind can be damaged, but your soul can soar with the love of God in you. This is a battle of good vs. evil. Evil men and women exist. We must pray for our enemies because when we do, we begin to heal and we give ourselves the gift of forgiveness. Amen and amen. Blessings on you all. Will keep you all foremost in my prayers.

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  19. Powerfully written testament to the damage rape and sexual abuse does. Thank you for sharing. If you are able to, continue to write. Write whatever you want to write, whatever you are moved to write, but write. Your writing voice is incredible and makes reading something so emotionally wrenching keep th reader and move the reader from beginning to end. You have a gift.

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