Speranza

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when i was younger my mother sat my siblings and i down, gave each our own note book and said i want you to write half a page everyday of anything, things that bother you, what your feeling or thinking it could be anything she said… i don’t remember if someone asked but she told us that we could put anything we wanted in there and that nobody would know because nobody would be able to read it…

i wrote a lot from that point on, i felt safe there and found a form of comfort… it would ease my mind and i not only vented there i used my journals as an escape… i knew there i could get as dark and vulnerable as i wanted… it was exactly what i needed.. my mothers instincts must have told her the kids needed somewhere that would give them a momentary escape from the chaotic surroundings… i never talked to or opened up to anybody so it was perfect for me, i finally had someone who would just listen to me for hours and hours

… it would seem like at some point someone has to violate you, and this person went through me and my brothers journal.. i didn’t know how much was read, but i made it a point after that to keep it hidden… that little journal was all i had to comfort me…

One night in writing, i thought how lonely i felt with it because granted i was getting a release with it, i wasn’t getting a response to tell me everything would be okay… I brought my journal to life, i don’t know what made me think i could but i did.. i had issues with men so i knew it couldn’t be a man, but i was comfortable with women.. I knew my journal was a her, i named her *Speranza*.. Speranza means Hope in Italian… Speranza gave me hope, and every time i wrote she was right there….

I usually left my journal at home but I brought it with me to this house when i was younger, i should have known better because if violating me when i was younger was that easy for this person, then doing it when i was older would be no different.. I ended up leaving it there but i didn’t remember right away.. i had to go back over to this house real quick and when i walked in, this person was buried and lost in a notebook, i didn’t think anything of it and it didn’t register that it was my journal being read.. later on that evening someone called my mom and said i forgot my journal at the house and that it was being read by this person… When mom told me all i could think of was “hopefully this person read the entries about their actions done to me as a child and much i hated them for it”….

i never let no one know anything of me, no one would understand me anyways.. i completely gave up on Speranza after that… the one place i had always felt safe no longer protected me… When this person who read my journal told my mom that one of her kids were gonna commit suicide, i knew a lot of my journal had been read… what was writing my thoughts supposed to do for me when people kept peering into my mind, how do i trust in that when trusting in it i became violated…

it was awhile before i wrote again, and i found comfort and something else to ease my mind… it only provided so much comfort, granted the occasional line on a center console or mirror numbed me it didn’t release my thoughts like writing did… and granted the puzzle pieces brought me into a whole new world and helped me escape my present reality, but that escape was only a moment and when the puzzle piece wore off i was back in reality…

I needed more then what that offered, and when i started getting my life together i went back to the journal, i went back to a place where i found the most comfort…. at that point i figured if anyone went through them it wouldn’t matter..

i recently saw those journals i wrote in so many years ago and i realized that Speranza (hope) didn’t go anywhere, she waited for me to feel comfortable with her again… and that even though i gave up on Speranza……

she didn’t give up on me…

 

interpreting scriptures

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My mother didn’t believe in pushing religion on us or shoving god down our throat, she instead let us pick and choose whatever it is we wanted to believe in and would back us regardless of belief… my real grandfather on the other hand spoke to us every chance he could about the bible and being catholic… if it were not for his devotion and complete faith towards god perhaps i would not have seen the “god complex” that certain people in my life held..

Being told i would not enter the gates of heaven unless i was baptized, or that i should go out of my way to find my “real dad” because it’s the commandment, being told i needed to confess my sins, or that i would be going to hell because i am catholic and the brown scapular i wore was insulting to god or that i would be damned to hell if i wasn’t saved along with so many other things, were it wasn’t about just talking about the bible to me it was more like these people felt as if they had that power to judge and damn people to hell as if they were god him self… some where along the lines of learning the bible they developed a god complex….

i am aware of the verse we are all made in his likeness, but i am not aware of any scriptures that say people hold that power to damn others to hell… being told you needed to be saved or if i did anything wrong in life you would burn in hell is one thing and therefore their distorted translation of scriptures gave me this idea that god is unforgiving and merciless, but once i started to read the bible i saw they failed to mention the fact that god is a compassionate and forgiving god…

i let people express their views on the bible but i saw in that expressing how they view bible it was simply their interpretation of the bible and instead of taking their word for it i began to look it up for myself… my real grandfather in reciting scriptures gets pissed off at the devil and never fails to say “GODDAMN THE DEVIL” eventually my mother had enough of that and tells him to not take the lords name in vain at all around her and his reply to that is “i feel like god gives me that right to use his name in vain”… i have yet to come across a scripture that says under any circumstance taking his name in vain is alright. or another person who is told that a scripture states “if god be for you who can be against you” and he interpreted that as “if you are not for me, then you are against me”, obviously everyone interprets scriptures differently but life has shown me some who feel as if they are god him self…

just because you claim to understand the bible doesn’t make you god, or having made mass and getting those jesus wafers and a sip of wine doesn’t make you superior to anyone else, and not one church is more holier and more worthy of heaven than another …              after all isn’t it the same god we all acknowledge?

The bible offers so many different things to people, but i wouldn’t have thought it would have been a means to inflate peoples ego and give them a “god complex”

To see and hear people feel superior to god to the point where they feel they are god is awful and i am sure that in it being written there wasn’t the intention for making you feel like it’s to twist and distort in ways that work and only apply to yourself…

Not so Manly

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as a teenager i could some what tell at first and then it just became completely obvious the abuse mom was going through.. how i managed to maintain the amount of self control i did and not hurt him is beyond me…. then out of no where my grand-Father tells me ” a man who beats up on women are not only not real men, but don’t have the balls to fight other men”…

seeing first hand the tears build up and the moment they fell down her cheek and then drip off her jaw line eventually wiping away her face and smearing her make up in the process and then cleaning the tears and make up off her hands… you could almost feel her pain as she spoke..  mom wasn’t the only one i seen go through those moments life for some reason would show me a few more.. it seemed like every girl i knew was getting abused and most of them found some kind of comfort in talking to me about those moments…. in them telling me how there boyfriend beat them up or called them names i could never wrap my mind around what they could have possibly done for that so called man to feel she deserves that …

i feel like part of the reason men bully women is because in some distorted way they find women a challenge… abusive men must seriously think women could put a good fight and hold their own.. i have seen more often then not the abusive man have this big mouth and these fighting stories that some people mistake for being manly, yet when another man calls out this abusive man he completely cowers down and does whatever it takes to avoid getting his ass whipped… and in moments like that i wished the girl he abused could see him cower away so she could see for her self that he’s no man at all… the fact that he walks away from a fight yet waits to bully his girl around shows how less of a man he actually is…

there must be some kind of ego fix that takes place when a man bullies a women.. feeling as if it’s appropriate to put his hands on a girl it must completely stroke his ego to see her upset and afraid… i can’t imagine how that could possibly make a man feel more like a man…

they always excuse that behavior and then manage to turn it around and make it seem like she provoked the whole thing and therefore had it coming.. either out of guilt or completely trying to justify the fact that they get off on abusing women… these men are jokes for men, and an even bigger joke to think people like that change…

 

 

 

Cupid’s point

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Love…. i saw early on how dangerously powerful love can be, the light it brings into one’s life and the potential darkness it can at times hold.. love is so important and seeing what a person does in order to Have that love and be loved some times seems like a never ending search that most feel they won’t find or aren’t worthy of and with others perhaps an unfulfilled desire with how many times they fall in love…

i have known some people who fell in love right off bat in every relationship they where in, i wondered if they were genuinely in love with who they happened to be with that moment but perhaps they were falling in love with love it self… maybe they felt love would offer something different with different people or maybe their desire of love couldn’t be satisfied… part of the effects of cupids arrow was an uncontrollable desire… which seems to still be the case today..

it seems like some people are completely confused with what love consists of.. the abuse some people take in the relationship they are in because they feel like that is part of being in a loving relationship is something i find completely sad.. tolerating such abuse for so long so they can feel whatever kind of love is felt either in what few moments genuine love is shown or abusive love is all they know… as i read The dark origins of Valentines day by Arnie Seipel i noticed love and abuse even then… seems like love and abuse go hand in hand..

valentines day seems to be a day to celebrate confused concepts of love and a day for some to buy true love gifts, maybe your the one gift, i hope your the one gifts, the gift before it’s over gift, the day to buy the main gift and the affair gift and maybe even guilt gifts…