Cupid’s point

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Love…. i saw early on how dangerously powerful love can be, the light it brings into one’s life and the potential darkness it can at times hold.. love is so important and seeing what a person does in order to Have that love and be loved some times seems like a never ending search that most feel they won’t find or aren’t worthy of and with others perhaps an unfulfilled desire with how many times they fall in love…

i have known some people who fell in love right off bat in every relationship they where in, i wondered if they were genuinely in love with who they happened to be with that moment but perhaps they were falling in love with love it self… maybe they felt love would offer something different with different people or maybe their desire of love couldn’t be satisfied… part of the effects of cupids arrow was an uncontrollable desire… which seems to still be the case today..

it seems like some people are completely confused with what love consists of.. the abuse some people take in the relationship they are in because they feel like that is part of being in a loving relationship is something i find completely sad.. tolerating such abuse for so long so they can feel whatever kind of love is felt either in what few moments genuine love is shown or abusive love is all they know… as i read The dark origins of Valentines day by Arnie Seipel i noticed love and abuse even then… seems like love and abuse go hand in hand..

valentines day seems to be a day to celebrate confused concepts of love and a day for some to buy true love gifts, maybe your the one gift, i hope your the one gifts, the gift before it’s over gift, the day to buy the main gift and the affair gift and maybe even guilt gifts…

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Ruptured Secrets

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if i could have blacked it out and never remembered it again i would have, if i could have went in and pulled out those memories that altered the rest of my life i would have, if there was ever such thing as surgically removing haunting memories i would pay it… the memory so traumatizing i wonder if it haunts the people that did what they did… but I had buried it away and had no intentions in ever going there again, i thought i did a pretty good job because i managed to barely think of what had happened and felt like i mastered the art of pretending like i was completely alright… i kept the secret to myself…

i tried as hard as i could to keep it buried and tucked away, in some weird way i thought i could black it out so i couldn’t remember it at all… i thought i could trick my mind into completely forgetting what had happened, i completely fooled myself and i realize now how unbelievably powerful our minds are… in a completely unpredictable moment that memory surfaced and felt as if i had been taken back to the moment it was taking place.. the fact i had i put so much into erasing and hiding all that is probably why it came back to me so violently… maybe my out of control inner demons broke through or an inner angel thought it was best on my behalf to open my Pandora’s box, either way it brought me back to place i had completely tried to forget…

i held to that secret, and the fact i was completely lost and so unsure of who i was + finding comfort in a variety of drugs to distort my reality and all the liquor help put numerous seals to keep that secret locked and tucked away…. my mind would push through all that inner debris and bring forth a memory i tried so hard to forget..

as i read Sigmund Freud’s Psychodynamic theory…….

Self Inflicted Suffering

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certain comments that are said are just to completely ignorant to even try and make sense of while other comments are completely profound… “you like to suffer” is a comment that was said from my mother to my step father for the longest time and as funny and as serious as the statement is,  later i thought about it and thought how completely true of a statement that is for most…

there was a guy i knew who said and did awful things to this women and when she left he would beg and cry for her to come back and when she did it only enabled this vicious cycle to continue for many years… in abusing her in every which way you could she would end up leaving and in that moment of being gone he would be completely upset with him self wondering why he would even do such things knowing she would leave every time.. its obvious that is the nature of abusive relationships, but i wondered if he enjoyed breaking his own heart, making himself cry and being pissed off at himself…

i wonder if people like to suffer by nature.. like the alcoholic and drug addict who most of the time doesn’t have enough to fuel their need or enough cash to support it.. and with an incredible high comes an incredible low.. but don’t seem to mind those moments of suffering and with drawling because in no time the suffering is gone and the vicious cycle continues..

the men who are abusive in every relationship cause for some reason they can’t control them self and then wonder why they can’t make a relationship last ..

or the cheater who can’t stop cheating and then wonders why they are always single…

the liar who couldn’t tell the truth if his life depended on it, and then wonders why nobody in his life believes any thing he says

or the thief who steals and then wonders why he doesn’t have anything to show for it…

the meth addict who wonders why his teeth are bad…

the easy girl who wonders why she hasn’t gotten married

seeing things people do and seeing that at some point in what they are doing there is a certain amount of suffering that takes place… seeing them do it time after time i wonder if they like making them self suffer…

when life makes you suffer there is always an end to it, but when you make your self suffer it’s because your completely content with it…

 

Quality parenting

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i can’t say what a good parent is, nor do i have any kids to hand out advice…i have been around quite a few parents to see a common trait or perhaps a common quality they all seem to share from my friends parents to complete strangers who have kids even those life calls my family, and i couldn’t help but to notice how they all talk shit about their kids and don’t seem to mind everyone else doing so either..  i can’t imagine what could possibly compel a mother or father to completely cut down and ridicule one of their own.. if a parent is let down,disappointed and perhaps completely embarrassed from their child’s bad behavior and poor choices is it okay then to mock and ridicule them.. i am sure if the parent feels that child is disgracing the family’s name then it might be okay to trash their kids name even though that kid still carries the family name…

i wonder if a parent feels that their child poses some kind of a challenge or threat to them because in some kind of confused and distorted way of thinking that their child is either more of a man or women then they are so they find it acceptable to start talking shit about them and satisfaction in the fact that some people jump on their bandwagon and start talking shit about their kids as well…

maybe the parent had a child with some one they once loved but eventual would absolutely hate and are constantly reminded of him or her when they see this child and that alone for them is enough to bad their kid..

im sure if this parent feels like they didn’t amount to much in life or didn’t enjoy life like they would have liked to or feels like life was much harder on them and see that their kids can amount to much more and hold potential or find some kind of enjoyment in life or sees that life is much easier on their kids then it was on them that it is alright then to completely bad mouth their kids… i couldn’t imagine why any parent would be jealous of their own but it seems that way..

i wonder if certain things that bothers a parent enough to cut down their children is actually how that parent views and feels about them self .. after all it is DNA your going after

perhaps it’s none of the above and that they just didn’t want kids to begin with .. life has left them bitter, cold and a distasteful out look on life and the fact they became a parent only worsened it…

maybe it’s not even that, maybe that’s how they’re parents raised them….

Fragile little feelings

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Sympathy……….. without looking it up online the first thing that comes to mind is “feeling sorry or bad for someone”… i could understand that to a certain degree being there is a few things i have a soft spot for that seem to provoke that feeling in me..  but are you supposed to have “sympathy” for a sensitive person.. how about having sympathy for a sensitive or overly sensitive “man”..  i have had moments and am completely part of that topic being that the overly sensitive influence from “men” and “father figures” in my life left that trait completely noticeable about me. … i don’t know how or what a man is supposed to be or act like so that is how i assumed a “man” to be..  i was shown certain aspects of being a “man” which included taking everything personal and allowing your feelings to be hurt from the littlest of comments…

either my mother is completely rude or such a hard ass to the point where it could be manly or the men i was surrounded by are just fragile little girls with fragile little feelings… constructive criticism is aimed at helping another person better themselves only said out wanting to help someone.. but when a “man” confuses that for being a mean cut down, should a person question there motive in that comment being all you were doing was handing out constructive criticism..do you keep in mind the fragile little feelings men carry when you talk to them… either some people can’t handle that or feel without flaw i am guessing… you see my mothers not one for holding back a comment,  and the thought of being around “men” you wouldn’t think she would have to..

when your arguing it seems that nasty cut downs go along with it… are you not supposed to defend yourself because those “men” can’t handle it… she can cut you down and rip you apart if she has to but that doesn’t take place tell these “men” began calling her names that would shatter anyone women self worth.. she took the cut downs but then began her own cut downs towards them and without fail they couldn’t handle it and the fragile little feelings where hurt.. the men could dish it but god forbid if they had to take it… women aren’t made of stone and neither was mom but she wasn’t so sensitive that she would break down and fall apart like they would have wanted her to…

now how a “man” takes a genuine compliment as a cut down is something that has left me dumbfounded many times.. i can not make sense of any of that nonsense….

do you refrain from conversations because if a topic that gets brought up these “men” seem to take personal and some how make it seem you were implying it was all about them when you weren’t even thinking of them when the topic got brought up..

how do you revolve life around these fragile little feelings, how do women be women when a man acts like that? no one should have to cope with the fact that some people are completely self centered and have to watch what they say around emotional men cause god forbid they can’t handle what is being said.. the freedom of speech to say whats on your mind is wonderful but to limit, watch and filter what you say so you don’t hurt no ones feelings is horrible that completely takes you away from feeling comfortable with your opinion let alone with yourself.. no one should second guess their voice let alone have to find it..  im sure it confuses most to see a tough looking man be that sensitive..