Fatherless children

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Working in the gym i noticed these mothers raising their child or children by themselves, maybe they had a boyfriend and maybe they didn’t, maybe the child’s dad was around and maybe he wasn’t, a lot of them opened up to me and would tell me that their child’s dad took off when she first found out she was pregnant or took off at some point down the line because he didn’t want the responsibilities of being a parent… maybe these mothers just needed someone to vent to… there was this one mom in particular whose child was making a fathers day gift and when she seen what her child was doing she said “oh how cute, to bad she doesn’t have a dad to give it to” and when she was done i saw a sense of sadness in her eyes, as she was probably debating on who she would have her daughter give the fathers day card to…

how does any mother explain something like that to their child, i don’t think there is any right way or right time to inform the child their dad isn’t around.. i was told at a young age by my grandfather that my real father wasn’t around, there was no explanation given right away when it was said, but eventually when i was older things were explained the best they could be.. i am sure that void is always felt, even before it’s told to the fatherless child, but i wonder if that void is so powerful it’s possible to be felt even in the womb… after all, there is a connection for so many months before the child is born…

There were children with both parents around, whether or not the parents were together made no difference because their dad was still in the picture… but seeing a number of kids without dad around it was an all to familiar feeling, i could relate to those kids.. it didn’t matter they were only a few years old and i was almost 20, that void i carried they to carried as well…

Maybe i was fortunate enough to be raised around my brothers dad, but he not only made it obvious i wasn’t his he reminded me i wasn’t when he would tell me things like he only helps raise me because my real dad wanted nothing to do with me…

My real dad was a contributing factor to me being born, and that was it.. i am not defined by him in any way at all, i am my own person… There isn’t anything i need to come to terms with him with.. he left and that was it… my mother was both my mom and dad… She taught me to be a man, showed me how men should and shouldn’t treat women and yet was mother at the same time…

And as those mothers at the gym would tell me how they are raising their child by themselves, i would tell them what life and my mother showed me, that maybe life not giving me a father did me a favor and was probably protecting me from having one… i realize that through my mothers instincts it is and was all i needed, and for that………

i am thankful

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Behavioral Improv’s

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A couple years ago when my youngest brother was like 3 or 4, i remember watching him searching for this outfit and not giving up till he found it, when he found it there was serious focus in putting it on and once he put on his black spider man mask to complete the outfit, he went right into character without even trying.. I let my mind drift back to his age and the moments when i could convince myself i could be anyone i wanted….

my first time watching “Harriet the spy” i completely thought i was a little spy myself and once i had all those things that i believed to make me a spy, i was completely convinced, i even took notes from blues clues to become a better spy.. Being raised by women i was completely mesmerized by Their long dark hair and all the colored heels they wore, the different colored strings, the bra’s, the purses, nylons, jewelry, tight spandex, glitter and all the layers of make up they spent so much time putting on, as a little boy that was another character i convinced myself i could be and having a little sister who liked to play dress up was perfect, between the barbie dolls and the women in our lives it inspired the make up we wore down to the heels we picked out… i could go right from that into a full blown construction worker… maybe being a gemini made it even more so easier…

I realize that i didn’t lose that side to me right away and it would serve me as long as i needed it… when i was older and certain things took place i felt i needed to “pretend” like everything was all right around everyone… what took place when no one was around and behind closed doors that left me feeling broken and altered but as soon as i got in front of someone or walked back through that door i went right back into “pretending” like i was happy and fine.. I could fool most, but i realized it only added to the fact that i remained lost and untrue to myself. The things i pretended i had found comfort in…  i started thinking about the fact that as children we can go into being someone else and pretending certain things to be true even though they’re not…

I am sure everyone has there reason for pretending to be okay or alright, i remember when i was younger seeing my mother cry and when i asked her if she was alright she would say “everything was fine” as she wiped her eyes, her pretending to be okay so i wouldn’t worry… some people can pretend so well no one would ever guess there is something wrong, i noticed though there are people who can see right through the fact your pretending… but how long could you really pretend for, at some point even an actor gets burnt out… i became exhausted and tired in pretending certain things, i found myself looking back on my life and the process of becoming true to who i was began to take place..

Coming to terms with my past i didn’t find it necessary to continue pretending with certain things, and i found this Real me character far more fascinating than anything i pretended to be…

This shoe store

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vegas isn’t a city im fond of nor have i found it to offer anything other then a good night you can’t recall and cheap drugs within arms reach all within a sleepless city and a steady supply is something that i am assuming makes vegas worthwhile …. to find some one who’s not bitter and pissed at one thing or another let alone strung up or strung out on this or that is an odd thing to come across….. it’s not all pessimistic views for this city that raised me, vegas just suits some people more than others…  what keeps vegas interesting to me isn’t the tourist who occupy the strip get drunk and cause scenes , but to me it’s the moments that perhaps go unnoticed most… we drove through this shit hole shopping center looking for this shoe store we were told about .. walking into this store i noticed the extra security measures that were taken to at least attempt to prevent any robberies or vandalism from the surrounding neighborhood which isn’t an alright area … the bars on windows and the barbed wire on the roof to keep people out of the stores that their hopes revolves around… when i got into the store i noticed how it was only us in there despite the big sale that had been posted in the window, either were in a moment were we missed a lot of people or had been her only customers for the day… given the surroundings the store was in she had kept her store incredibly clean and neat as you could tell she loved it with how she took care of it… she was completely helpful with my mom in something that she needed.. she was running her store with her daughter who was probably only 9 or 10 and when my mother went to the counter ready to check out mom asked if she could check the zippers to her heels to make sure they worked, the lady grabbed a pair and went to zip it up…. in her daughter noticing her mom couldn’t get it to zip she grabbed the other heel and tried her self… you could tell with how her daughter jumped right into helping her mother without being asked that she was probably used to helping her mom…where the mom was struggling with it eventually the daughter spoke up and said she got it to work and showed my mom… the way her mom glanced over at her and smiled was beautiful.. you could see struggle, pain and maybe worry in the moms eyes but when her daughter got the zipper to work you could see this sense of relief and reliance that she had towards her daughter.. walking out of the store it reminded me of certain things in my life.. being relied on as a child showed me how important that comfort is in peoples life… some things are even clearer to see or feel when you have or have felt those same things in your life..