Finding God

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as a child and being told that all i have in this life is god… well… i come from a strong catholic background from my grandfather that lost its strength with my mother whom never pushed religion on any of us kids and left it for us to decide what to believe in… my grandfather on the other hand swore and lives by it… all his kids slowly strayed and found their ways in different churches other than the catholic church… i on the other hand prayed wholehearted as much as i could, especially being in the type of atmosphere i was in and feeling as alone as i felt i relied on god and not so much the church or religion those 2 did nothing for me, but in some strange way i thought god could… it started with prayers to have things change but i noticed the more i prayed for change the worse things became… then i started to pray for an intervention only to find even less of god in that… then the prayer for a sign that went unanswered and all i could think was how it did nothing for me and as steadfast in prayer as i was quickly changed to an all out avoidance of anything that had to do with “god” … i knew or at least i thought he was there but that i wouldn’t allow myself to feel completely ignored and shunned by god…

now had i known that “GOD” had his own twitter account i would never had second guessed his existence…. @thetweetofgod

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a difference in influence

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father figures came and left throughout my childhood but the one that i seem to have held closest to me was my grandfather.. not the one who got off on preying on children but my actual blood grandfather .. he showed me a lot of things about life some maybe not the best because unfortunate circumstances in his life instead letting go of he clung to and became bitter from it and rightfully so with the hand he was dealt would turn anyone miserable so in seeing the life’s tough hand he was dealt i could understand certain bitter aspects he spoke of to me …. but with him being born in Brooklyn in the 40’s to Italian immigrants would form this old school persona and tough attitude that you couldn’t break or beat down.. not that height is ever a factor in anything but you would never guess that this guy as tiny as 5’4ish give or take would have as much courage as he did it is almost as if he has no concept of what fear is.. as hard as life seemed to be on him he had no vice other then a thrill of stirring political chaos which he seemed to have a remarkable ability to do… when i was born being that my real dad wanted nothing to do with me i seen through a photograph that he was the first man in my life to hold me.. as i grew older and he seen my mother had no intention on telling me who my real dad was and that the person raising me was only “step”, he must have felt she was taking to long to tell me and that being maybe 5 i was already man enough to handle knowledge like that so he told me…. he didn’t have nothing in his life he trusted or could turn to, my grand mother his ex wife whom he had 6+ kids with wouldn’t acknowledge him and of all the kids\grand kids and people in his life he found some kind of comfort in talking to me and around 11 years old i became more a confidant and his best friend than a grand kid because he said he already had to many of those and that he just needed someone to talk to… it would have seemed like i was his favorite and that he showed favoritism and who knows if that was the case but i enjoyed being around him and all the endless stories he shared and insisted he taught me, and he’d be the most loyal father figure that life would show me i had…

the love he had for women was something that was beyond being a womanizer as he could never let a pretty girl walk past him without him winking or saying hello he always says that gods greatest gift to man was women and that women could feel how much he loves them that’s why they love him so much… he taught me chivalry at its finest and told me “even more so then wining and dining women to also protect & respect them no matter what” , and surrounded by men who abuse women i held that lesson close…

in a comment that was said to me about being so close to my mother it was like we were having sex, i turned to my grand father and asked if i was weird for being so close to my mother and told him the comment i was told from my “step father” and as calm as he could turned to me and said there was nothing weird about it that the most beautiful relationship we can have is with our mother… and when i began to see the relationship between his mother and him i knew only a demented & twisted mind could have a comment like that… he explained how hard his mother made his life and how she treated him for having been so close to his father, he said that as much as his mom had put him through he didn’t see her nor would he treat her any different because that was his mother… seeing how much love he showed his mother who had alzhiemer’s and barely even recognized him was a bond i saw needed to be embraced….

he taught me having passion for things from accomplishments to loving\embracing your Italian heritage down to a little cup of coffee and holding moments that are dearest to you very close..

3 failed marriages one of which hes left with 5+ kids by himself to raise, left by his parents and living in quite a few foster homes as a child and how hes mother treated and rejected him his whole life until the point were she had alzheimer’s and only then was she able to show she loved him and then she finally passed, probably the only moment he might have felt his mothers love… it would explain why he carried certain issues toward women… there is a sadness you could see in his eyes and the way he carries himself when he walks.. life couldn’t make him flinch nor would he show any one that it took its toll, even in moments that bother him most and the tears fill his eyes as if pain and heartbreak just might have hit him but instead he hid them and most of the time wouldn’t allow himself to let the tears fall… he credits “god” for being able to make it through his life and that the devil was the reason for all the pain and strain he had to deal with…
in my childhood where CHIVALRY was non existent and being a “MAN” wasn’t even heard of, love and compassion were barely even shown, life seem to balance itself out when he came around….

provoking insanity part 1

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you swear your memory serves you right, how could it be wrong when its something that plays so clear in your mind you can actually feel the pain\emotions that was felt in it…. why would someone convince themselves certain things happen when it never even took place, especially if its traumatizing.. correcting a memory that’s a little off is necessary because you don’t want to add to it let alone forget anything important… but telling you that something is wrong with you, or that your mind is gone or warped because the person who put you through all that hell doesn’t want to admit all hes done, so they try and convince you your going insane.. maybe subconsciously out of hope you’ll question everything you thought you went through with them.. after being told that for so often you begin questioning your own sanity. eventually i was told i was to fucking to slow to amount to anything or that i didn’t graduate because i was to slow.. for whatever reason he felt that he should be instilling comments like that in a kids mind he adds to that already convincing statement he said the reason i was slow was because my mother was on drugs during her pregnancy with me… which later on i found out that my “step father” was lying about that… the chaotic atmosphere was already unreal to me anyways but for someone to try and convince me it didn’t happen that i was delusional and my mind was warped was even more frightening.. i began to believe i had a broken mind and that all i had been through was making me insane… the most haunting of memories played so clear and seemed to be repeating itself in my mind as the statements are being said i am losing it… i began fearing insanity as if it were it’s own person, i refused to even speak of or acknowledge anything of it’s nature… but in an atmosphere where things are so chaotic so often its insanity… an insane atmosphere.. how do you maintain any kind of sanity in that? how do i calm down my mind or even get it to stop… prayer? prayer served no purpose for me then…. i relied on that till i saw prayer for some reason only worsened things and if god of all people didn’t get it or make it stop then nobody would get it or understand it… being alone and feeling that loneliness as a kid bothered me occasionally but where i seem to feel insanity at it’s closest with me were the moments where i am by myself at home and there isn’t any sort of noise going on, things are so silent it’s deafening and the memories seem to be getting louder the more silent the house became… i could fool the best with making it seem like i was calm and alright, but within i was screaming for some kind of change, to maybe feel some kind of normal within because my “stepfather” convinced me as a child something was wrong with me… my imagination was something my mother had us kids carry and hold on to as long as we could… when things would get bad or completely insane i started calming all that down with a whole nother world i began to create with my imagination… creating something within where i began to feel safe, something normal and where i wouldn’t feel so alone…