Self Inflicted Suffering

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certain comments that are said are just to completely ignorant to even try and make sense of while other comments are completely profound… “you like to suffer” is a comment that was said from my mother to my step father for the longest time and as funny and as serious as the statement is,  later i thought about it and thought how completely true of a statement that is for most…

there was a guy i knew who said and did awful things to this women and when she left he would beg and cry for her to come back and when she did it only enabled this vicious cycle to continue for many years… in abusing her in every which way you could she would end up leaving and in that moment of being gone he would be completely upset with him self wondering why he would even do such things knowing she would leave every time.. its obvious that is the nature of abusive relationships, but i wondered if he enjoyed breaking his own heart, making himself cry and being pissed off at himself…

i wonder if people like to suffer by nature.. like the alcoholic and drug addict who most of the time doesn’t have enough to fuel their need or enough cash to support it.. and with an incredible high comes an incredible low.. but don’t seem to mind those moments of suffering and with drawling because in no time the suffering is gone and the vicious cycle continues..

the men who are abusive in every relationship cause for some reason they can’t control them self and then wonder why they can’t make a relationship last ..

or the cheater who can’t stop cheating and then wonders why they are always single…

the liar who couldn’t tell the truth if his life depended on it, and then wonders why nobody in his life believes any thing he says

or the thief who steals and then wonders why he doesn’t have anything to show for it…

the meth addict who wonders why his teeth are bad…

the easy girl who wonders why she hasn’t gotten married

seeing things people do and seeing that at some point in what they are doing there is a certain amount of suffering that takes place… seeing them do it time after time i wonder if they like making them self suffer…

when life makes you suffer there is always an end to it, but when you make your self suffer it’s because your completely content with it…

 

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Finding God

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as a child and being told that all i have in this life is god… well… i come from a strong catholic background from my grandfather that lost its strength with my mother whom never pushed religion on any of us kids and left it for us to decide what to believe in… my grandfather on the other hand swore and lives by it… all his kids slowly strayed and found their ways in different churches other than the catholic church… i on the other hand prayed wholehearted as much as i could, especially being in the type of atmosphere i was in and feeling as alone as i felt i relied on god and not so much the church or religion those 2 did nothing for me, but in some strange way i thought god could… it started with prayers to have things change but i noticed the more i prayed for change the worse things became… then i started to pray for an intervention only to find even less of god in that… then the prayer for a sign that went unanswered and all i could think was how it did nothing for me and as steadfast in prayer as i was quickly changed to an all out avoidance of anything that had to do with “god” … i knew or at least i thought he was there but that i wouldn’t allow myself to feel completely ignored and shunned by god…

now had i known that “GOD” had his own twitter account i would never had second guessed his existence…. @thetweetofgod

“family matters”

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“family”.. what could i really say about it. i was raised being told that’s its not my “family” to not try with them. for a while, i couldn’t understand why but as i grew older i started to see and understand why. it wasn’t that my mother was selfish with her “family” and it wasn’t that she hated “them” and wanted me to have nothing to do with “them”. it was that she understood them, and knew that if they would isolate her from the “family”, talk shit about her and completely shun her, they would do the same with her children. life would show me that there was a reason behind raising me that way, because this “family” would do just that. it’s more a social group in high school who thrive off bad mouthing and making up crazy stories about each other. an alcoholic who carries them self like they’re a celebrity from a political issue over 5 years ago, whom the “family” loves even after awful things are said about them and to their children but conveniently doesn’t remember. or this self proclaimed born again christian who feels bad for not being able to help the nieces and nephews while ignores their phone call YET lives in a glass house where the offspring holds closet deeds… or this sensitive one who feels its appropriate to shun and single out the nephews even if it is with giving them the finger in the mall. they all claim love for this “family”. where is the love in accusing people of things they don’t do. where is the love in getting a kid to drink with them out of loneliness. where is the love in sexually preying on children. where is the love in lying about your siblings, nieces and nephews. where is the love in not believing a sexual confession from a child. where is the love in distorting who god is.

with the exception Of A Few who weren’t close enough to mention.