provoking insanity part 3

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after i got rid of that imaginary place and gave up on prayer , i tried not thinking to much about what i was going through… those words and phrases of being told i had a warped mind and was slow would sit as dormant bubbles ready to pop at any given notice….. how do i relax or calm down my mind , it seemed to me that fear wasn’t going anywhere but eventually i could novicate it… drinking since 7th or 8th grade proved helpful and easy to get my hands on especially when certain family members insisted i drink with them despite barely being a teen, it didn’t matter what type of liquor as long as it did its job.. shots, mixed or straight out of the bottle was no difference to me.. but liquor eased a certain amount of pain because the nearer i got to the end of the bottle those troubled memories seemed to open its self up even more so… the first hit from the pipe was exactly what i had been needing , there’s something in the way it smelt right when you open the baggy, or the way it feels as you inhale and the burn you feel right after you exhale.. it was something to fog\cloud and make me feel some kind of sanity for awhile … every party i was at always had the pipe ready and a steady flow of liquor… the weed was constant i smoked it every chance i could apples and soda cans where my favorite cause they where the easiest to dispose of.. at that time drinking and pot was all i was into everything else served me no purpose….but eventually i stopped smoking pot and the next couple years i just stuck to drinking… but a friend who must have felt my pain offered comfort that could only come from a line … in offering his hand he had a straw and then i took it down…the sensation through my body and the taste from the drip set my racing thoughts\bad memories calm it set those moments and feelings of insanity suddenly sane… something that small no bigger than the nail on your pinky crushed into a line anywhere you desire, something so small does something nothing\no one and not even i could have done for myself.. to me god not only came in the form of a piece of bread on sunday but in any shape or form even of that which is bad for you.. being almost 20 and finally coming across this, finally some sort of delusional sanity i convinced myself of.. i wish i would have found that sooner being i was told i was on drugs all my life… the random states of hallucinating where incredible it was something to switch it all up where my imagination came to life and the reality i was living in all of a sudden became bent… and coke, if i was looking for a high that consisted of something more than a delusional reality and drifting in and out of sleep and wanted to stay up and drink all night there is nothing more enjoying than not only numbing your nose but numbing memories as well… all the comfort that it offered wasn’t enough but some how i convinced myself that it was because as high as i was allowed no room for bad memories and the more i thought i did the more normal i thought i felt.. all my life i searched for this “normal” or “sane” way of being and even though id be lying if i said i didn’t enjoy the drugs or the way i felt on them they only served as a momentary escape from myself.. seeing how the men in my life acted on meth and the monsters they became on it was the only drug i wouldn’t allow myself to do but it’s not my place to judge anyone’s choice\preference in whatever soothes\pacifies them…   i see that this person who tried convincing me as a kid i was slow, insane and brain dead was coming from someone who is strung out on meth , paranoid and going mad.. all of what he was telling me i was he was feeling going on with him… do you forgive that when it’s not their fault knowing meth altered who they where or accepting of the fact they “claim” sobriety in all they said and did to you as a child… the words of the course of years is what convinced me as a kid i had a warped mind.. in an asylum like atmosphere where you already lay vulnerable to losing your mind combined with the repetition of convincing statements like having a “warped mind” is what was provoking my insanity..

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provoking insanity part 2

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as a child and unsure about certain things with how or why i was treated a certain way. and being told how i was acting was weird and that my brain was warped because…….. well i was never really sure what i did that made it seem like i had a “warped mind” especially being that young anyways i didn’t know what it meant to have a fucking “warped mind”.. so….. i went within and started creating stories of a different kind of life.. what my perception as a kid of this so called “normal” life and a “normal” way of being…………………………………as i lay down in my room by myself and as quiet as i could get the room i went somewhere else………….. i could make it feel so real..  i could go anywhere i wanted, anywhere at all….i hated who i was as a child so i created me older.. mid 20’s maybe..i put myself far away from a life i new.. i took it to new york, particularly the city.. not knowing anything of out side of vegas it felt like i was so familiar with new york and all its streets.. i had absolute control of this world and made it feel so real and if i felt i added something wrong or didn’t like i erased it and re did it… i could hear footsteps of people walking down the street and the conversations they carried.. the doors open or close.. lights being turned on or off.. noisy intersections.. everything…… i created the most loyal of friends who accompanied me there.. when i thought it should rain, i started to see it.. or when i ended up in central park i thought how beautiful it would look to see it snow there and i made it happen.. i could feel the snow flakes drop on my cheeks and my breath in the air as i walk the park… i created and could feel this sense of “happiness” and perhaps a sense of being okay with myself.. i imagine at some point i would be hungry and thirsty so i would walk into and “enjoy” some italian restaurant.. i did things i felt i could never have done like voicing my opinion or standing up for myself so in this world i created i incorporated altercations that would or could arise and only there i could be this person i was never comfortable with… out of pure wonder i added an emotion that i thought and wondered if i could connect with… love….. i substituted my waking life for an imaginary one and went there often.. i used it as an escape… and couldn’t wait to get back there… as real as it felt, and as real as i made it… i new it wasn’t… but it gave me a momentary escape with what i was going through… but the moment i seen the movies “gothika” and “hide and seek” quickly made that imaginary place disappear, and out of curiosity of wondering what insanity and a broken mind was i looked it up and it scared away any kind of imaginary place that i created.. i didn’t feel insane or warped but his convincing statements and words was like he was provoking my insanity…

provoking insanity part 1

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you swear your memory serves you right, how could it be wrong when its something that plays so clear in your mind you can actually feel the pain\emotions that was felt in it…. why would someone convince themselves certain things happen when it never even took place, especially if its traumatizing.. correcting a memory that’s a little off is necessary because you don’t want to add to it let alone forget anything important… but telling you that something is wrong with you, or that your mind is gone or warped because the person who put you through all that hell doesn’t want to admit all hes done, so they try and convince you your going insane.. maybe subconsciously out of hope you’ll question everything you thought you went through with them.. after being told that for so often you begin questioning your own sanity. eventually i was told i was to fucking to slow to amount to anything or that i didn’t graduate because i was to slow.. for whatever reason he felt that he should be instilling comments like that in a kids mind he adds to that already convincing statement he said the reason i was slow was because my mother was on drugs during her pregnancy with me… which later on i found out that my “step father” was lying about that… the chaotic atmosphere was already unreal to me anyways but for someone to try and convince me it didn’t happen that i was delusional and my mind was warped was even more frightening.. i began to believe i had a broken mind and that all i had been through was making me insane… the most haunting of memories played so clear and seemed to be repeating itself in my mind as the statements are being said i am losing it… i began fearing insanity as if it were it’s own person, i refused to even speak of or acknowledge anything of it’s nature… but in an atmosphere where things are so chaotic so often its insanity… an insane atmosphere.. how do you maintain any kind of sanity in that? how do i calm down my mind or even get it to stop… prayer? prayer served no purpose for me then…. i relied on that till i saw prayer for some reason only worsened things and if god of all people didn’t get it or make it stop then nobody would get it or understand it… being alone and feeling that loneliness as a kid bothered me occasionally but where i seem to feel insanity at it’s closest with me were the moments where i am by myself at home and there isn’t any sort of noise going on, things are so silent it’s deafening and the memories seem to be getting louder the more silent the house became… i could fool the best with making it seem like i was calm and alright, but within i was screaming for some kind of change, to maybe feel some kind of normal within because my “stepfather” convinced me as a child something was wrong with me… my imagination was something my mother had us kids carry and hold on to as long as we could… when things would get bad or completely insane i started calming all that down with a whole nother world i began to create with my imagination… creating something within where i began to feel safe, something normal and where i wouldn’t feel so alone…