moments in time

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his palms were firmly pressed down on an ice chest, his knee’s were slightly bent as if he was so accustomed to that position he was stuck in it, he was fully clothed but his pants wrapped around hes ankles like a form of shackles were confining him to that moment in time, the blood dripping down the back of his thigh was still as red as when it first happened… and his eyes, completely expressionless as if the moment the penetration took place it punctured his soul and left him lifeless in that moment in time… he was locked in that moment, stuck in a position so vulnerable, and as i walk around him i wondered the ways to help free him… i soon realized that this person i was starring at…. was me.. i seemed to have forgot all about him…

i started seeing not just that piece of me locked in that moment, but other violent moments shut me down, then locked me up…

i wondered if the person who penetrated me or got physical with me turned me to stone, hoping those moments would forever stay still, silent and long forgotten… perhaps i locked myself in those moments hoping i would forget it all together as a form of self preservation….

how do i unlock those moments in time, and if i could, would i want to? Does anything good ever come from unlocking Pandora’s box? or do i have the power of the outcome…

Did he in those moments want to be unlocked? was he waiting for me to remember so i could comeback to him…

i knew in unlocking that moment that memory would have to play itself out, but doing so was essential to healing… i had no control over what took place, so i withdrew from those moments to protect me, my sanity, or maybe my soul.. no key unlocked it, only willingness to heal those moments unlocks it… healing that moment, would allow me to move forward…

While time never stands still, i became locked inside a moment in time… .

 

 

 

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Dynamic Walls

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In understanding myself i went back as early as my mind would allow me, to my first taste of what it felt like to be hurt…

my inner child started piecing together this place that would provide a sense of security and keep everyone out, i could see it as a whole, and i could see it in it’s earliest stages of taking it’s form… i could see his confidence in the fact he knew what he was building and the purpose it would serve me, life didn’t seem to stop handing him bricks, which worked for him because he wanted it multiple bricks thick and high enough to reach the heavens, something so you couldn’t tell what was going on and no one could breakdown… This child stood back and excitedly acknowledged this wall he built… he realized that while it is invisible to the eye, it would be felt and serve a purpose only to be recognized and understood later on in life.. knowing he had shut everyone out he created worlds all his own, in his own way so he wouldn’t feel alone.. he included and excluded anything and everything he wanted…

Recently i started acknowledging these walls i built… i saw the magnitude of it, i saw how teddy protected himself from the things that happened and all the future things that would take place… he couldn’t do it psychically but he could emotionally… i see that when things take place as a child the walls go under immediate construction to provide some kind of shelter or safe place within… the walls had kept everyone out for so long that no one knew me, knew how i felt or knew what was going.. the walls seemed to intensify under certain situations i feel like they took on a life of their own or perhaps that’s how i designed them…

when i was a little older the youngest of my uncles gave me “The wall” by pink Floyd and i was completely fascinated by the movie and the album… Sometimes things are handed to you in life to help you make sense of certain things if not now then later on in life…

as I began to understand myself i saw and understood these these walls more clearly, i saw how my life revolved around building these walls and instead of tearing it apart i would leave it up but i created a door into it and instead of keeping everyone out, i let certain people in….

there’s something powerful about your walls, although you can build it willingly, life will put them up for you automatically…

provoking insanity part 2

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as a child and unsure about certain things with how or why i was treated a certain way. and being told how i was acting was weird and that my brain was warped because…….. well i was never really sure what i did that made it seem like i had a “warped mind” especially being that young anyways i didn’t know what it meant to have a fucking “warped mind”.. so….. i went within and started creating stories of a different kind of life.. what my perception as a kid of this so called “normal” life and a “normal” way of being…………………………………as i lay down in my room by myself and as quiet as i could get the room i went somewhere else………….. i could make it feel so real..  i could go anywhere i wanted, anywhere at all….i hated who i was as a child so i created me older.. mid 20’s maybe..i put myself far away from a life i new.. i took it to new york, particularly the city.. not knowing anything of out side of vegas it felt like i was so familiar with new york and all its streets.. i had absolute control of this world and made it feel so real and if i felt i added something wrong or didn’t like i erased it and re did it… i could hear footsteps of people walking down the street and the conversations they carried.. the doors open or close.. lights being turned on or off.. noisy intersections.. everything…… i created the most loyal of friends who accompanied me there.. when i thought it should rain, i started to see it.. or when i ended up in central park i thought how beautiful it would look to see it snow there and i made it happen.. i could feel the snow flakes drop on my cheeks and my breath in the air as i walk the park… i created and could feel this sense of “happiness” and perhaps a sense of being okay with myself.. i imagine at some point i would be hungry and thirsty so i would walk into and “enjoy” some italian restaurant.. i did things i felt i could never have done like voicing my opinion or standing up for myself so in this world i created i incorporated altercations that would or could arise and only there i could be this person i was never comfortable with… out of pure wonder i added an emotion that i thought and wondered if i could connect with… love….. i substituted my waking life for an imaginary one and went there often.. i used it as an escape… and couldn’t wait to get back there… as real as it felt, and as real as i made it… i new it wasn’t… but it gave me a momentary escape with what i was going through… but the moment i seen the movies “gothika” and “hide and seek” quickly made that imaginary place disappear, and out of curiosity of wondering what insanity and a broken mind was i looked it up and it scared away any kind of imaginary place that i created.. i didn’t feel insane or warped but his convincing statements and words was like he was provoking my insanity…