Distorting Memories

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I am all for disciplining children and teaching them right from wrong so that there’s a certain level of respect but not to the point were the child fears you…

at least for the men i knew growing up i think it went beyond them wanting to correct their child’s behavior, i feel like there are those who enjoy seeing children in fear.. there where talks from both these men how they were “bad asses” and nobody fucked with them when they were younger, how one of them ran his own cell block (in prison) and how they other had a biker gang who wanted him to join because of how bad he was , both of them having similar stories of being “bad ass”… yet both of them seem to get off on having children fearing them…

 

i wonder if he thought he was a “bad ass” spanking a child till his hand was stinging and his shoulder was sore.. i wonder if the other one thought he was “bad ass” in smashing a kid’s cell phone and then turn around and go after the older one with a flashlight… does it make a man more of a man to throw a kid through the wall, drag them up the stairs by their shirt collar or choking a kid? is that how fathers prove their the man of the house? is it only okay doing that to your own, or if the child isn’t yours does it make it fair game?

i wonder if any of their stories were true, or if they made up the stories and convinced them selves they were and the only way to prove it was making children fear them…

i would have thought how they raised us was learned behavior but later on in life i found out that they were not subjected to abuse in any form and in fact had great childhoods… maybe all of what they did was okay being they were on meth… i feel like those little boys were more of a man then they were and in some distorted way they felt that to be a challenge….

They must have realized that with these once little boys they were a lot older and couldn’t get physical with them anymore, they started to instead of owning or even acknowledging what they did it turned into denial and in fact they managed to make it out to seem as if they were the victims of abuse saying “the children abused, tormented, and made him fear for his life” which is quite a statement coming from the man of the house and we as children managed caused all that abuse and chaos or saying “those kids are fucking liars making all that shit up” and it amazes me how everybody in these peoples life say “they never deserved to be treated like that from those kids, and that they feel so sorry for them for having to put up with that”… to see men go through great lengths to hide all there past is one thing but then to see a “man” turn the whole thing around and make it seem like children abused him and he’s the real survivor of abuse is something that amazes me…. as they go on in life trying their hardest to forget all of what they put the kids through they create these stories to make themselves feel better and they believe that in being older we must have forgot what happened and we have it all backwards….

 

Men and Mommy Issues

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growing up i was pretty much stuck to my real grandfathers side, the wealth of knowledge he shared with me and the comments that held so much value… he started talking to this girl, and she started telling him how her boyfriend would call her awful names and he tells her “how a man treats his mom is how that man treats his girl”…

……. growing up some of the names i heard my mother being called were things that would shatter any women’s self worth, as if the names to mom weren’t enough, the men thought it was “manly” to tell me what they thought about my mother, they expressed to me and thought i should know how much of a wh**e my mom was… i wondered what that was supposed to do for them telling me things like that at such a young age.. i guess the famous drug addict phrase ” i was high so i didn’t mean to do that” makes it all okay… but then what about the one claims sobriety?

i am completely aware of the fact that no relationship is perfect, and every couple is going to have it out with each other.. i get that…… calling people names is something that takes place right away in life as children and most don’t grow out of that… but i wonder when men call women names what that does for a person, perhaps the names they call women is the best way they know how to have an effective argument… thinking about what my grandfather said “how a man treats his mom is how a man treats his girl”… maybe those names men call women is a result of how he views his own mother.. men with mommy issues seem to carry that bitterness towards women and the abuse takes place with not just one but all their relationships… not to say it holds true for every couple and in every fight… but the men who can’t get enough of calling women Bit***s as if that is the only name they are aware of or the ones who can’t put up a good argument with women so they resort to the more hurtful names.. maybe how a women views or feels about her father is how she views or feels about who shes with?
maybe this guy didn’t like how his mom treated his dad, or that his mom didn’t give him enough attention and wasn’t there, maybe his mommy didn’t remember his 40th birthday, or mommy didn’t get him his lettermens jacket, and those issues with mommy roll over into verbally abusing who he is with because out of respect for his mom he won’t say how he really feels about her so instead he calls his girl those names…

i have heard numerous women say they feel like its them or that their doing something wrong or not doing enough if she could see how he treats his mom maybe then she will see the issue isn’t with her.. if men recognized their mommy issues i wonder if then they could see their issues with women differently…

 

Not so Manly

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as a teenager i could some what tell at first and then it just became completely obvious the abuse mom was going through.. how i managed to maintain the amount of self control i did and not hurt him is beyond me…. then out of no where my grand-Father tells me ” a man who beats up on women are not only not real men, but don’t have the balls to fight other men”…

seeing first hand the tears build up and the moment they fell down her cheek and then drip off her jaw line eventually wiping away her face and smearing her make up in the process and then cleaning the tears and make up off her hands… you could almost feel her pain as she spoke..  mom wasn’t the only one i seen go through those moments life for some reason would show me a few more.. it seemed like every girl i knew was getting abused and most of them found some kind of comfort in talking to me about those moments…. in them telling me how there boyfriend beat them up or called them names i could never wrap my mind around what they could have possibly done for that so called man to feel she deserves that …

i feel like part of the reason men bully women is because in some distorted way they find women a challenge… abusive men must seriously think women could put a good fight and hold their own.. i have seen more often then not the abusive man have this big mouth and these fighting stories that some people mistake for being manly, yet when another man calls out this abusive man he completely cowers down and does whatever it takes to avoid getting his ass whipped… and in moments like that i wished the girl he abused could see him cower away so she could see for her self that he’s no man at all… the fact that he walks away from a fight yet waits to bully his girl around shows how less of a man he actually is…

there must be some kind of ego fix that takes place when a man bullies a women.. feeling as if it’s appropriate to put his hands on a girl it must completely stroke his ego to see her upset and afraid… i can’t imagine how that could possibly make a man feel more like a man…

they always excuse that behavior and then manage to turn it around and make it seem like she provoked the whole thing and therefore had it coming.. either out of guilt or completely trying to justify the fact that they get off on abusing women… these men are jokes for men, and an even bigger joke to think people like that change…

 

 

 

Cupid’s point

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Love…. i saw early on how dangerously powerful love can be, the light it brings into one’s life and the potential darkness it can at times hold.. love is so important and seeing what a person does in order to Have that love and be loved some times seems like a never ending search that most feel they won’t find or aren’t worthy of and with others perhaps an unfulfilled desire with how many times they fall in love…

i have known some people who fell in love right off bat in every relationship they where in, i wondered if they were genuinely in love with who they happened to be with that moment but perhaps they were falling in love with love it self… maybe they felt love would offer something different with different people or maybe their desire of love couldn’t be satisfied… part of the effects of cupids arrow was an uncontrollable desire… which seems to still be the case today..

it seems like some people are completely confused with what love consists of.. the abuse some people take in the relationship they are in because they feel like that is part of being in a loving relationship is something i find completely sad.. tolerating such abuse for so long so they can feel whatever kind of love is felt either in what few moments genuine love is shown or abusive love is all they know… as i read The dark origins of Valentines day by Arnie Seipel i noticed love and abuse even then… seems like love and abuse go hand in hand..

valentines day seems to be a day to celebrate confused concepts of love and a day for some to buy true love gifts, maybe your the one gift, i hope your the one gifts, the gift before it’s over gift, the day to buy the main gift and the affair gift and maybe even guilt gifts…

Self Inflicted Suffering

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certain comments that are said are just to completely ignorant to even try and make sense of while other comments are completely profound… “you like to suffer” is a comment that was said from my mother to my step father for the longest time and as funny and as serious as the statement is,  later i thought about it and thought how completely true of a statement that is for most…

there was a guy i knew who said and did awful things to this women and when she left he would beg and cry for her to come back and when she did it only enabled this vicious cycle to continue for many years… in abusing her in every which way you could she would end up leaving and in that moment of being gone he would be completely upset with him self wondering why he would even do such things knowing she would leave every time.. its obvious that is the nature of abusive relationships, but i wondered if he enjoyed breaking his own heart, making himself cry and being pissed off at himself…

i wonder if people like to suffer by nature.. like the alcoholic and drug addict who most of the time doesn’t have enough to fuel their need or enough cash to support it.. and with an incredible high comes an incredible low.. but don’t seem to mind those moments of suffering and with drawling because in no time the suffering is gone and the vicious cycle continues..

the men who are abusive in every relationship cause for some reason they can’t control them self and then wonder why they can’t make a relationship last ..

or the cheater who can’t stop cheating and then wonders why they are always single…

the liar who couldn’t tell the truth if his life depended on it, and then wonders why nobody in his life believes any thing he says

or the thief who steals and then wonders why he doesn’t have anything to show for it…

the meth addict who wonders why his teeth are bad…

the easy girl who wonders why she hasn’t gotten married

seeing things people do and seeing that at some point in what they are doing there is a certain amount of suffering that takes place… seeing them do it time after time i wonder if they like making them self suffer…

when life makes you suffer there is always an end to it, but when you make your self suffer it’s because your completely content with it…

 

Quality parenting

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i can’t say what a good parent is, nor do i have any kids to hand out advice…i have been around quite a few parents to see a common trait or perhaps a common quality they all seem to share from my friends parents to complete strangers who have kids even those life calls my family, and i couldn’t help but to notice how they all talk shit about their kids and don’t seem to mind everyone else doing so either..  i can’t imagine what could possibly compel a mother or father to completely cut down and ridicule one of their own.. if a parent is let down,disappointed and perhaps completely embarrassed from their child’s bad behavior and poor choices is it okay then to mock and ridicule them.. i am sure if the parent feels that child is disgracing the family’s name then it might be okay to trash their kids name even though that kid still carries the family name…

i wonder if a parent feels that their child poses some kind of a challenge or threat to them because in some kind of confused and distorted way of thinking that their child is either more of a man or women then they are so they find it acceptable to start talking shit about them and satisfaction in the fact that some people jump on their bandwagon and start talking shit about their kids as well…

maybe the parent had a child with some one they once loved but eventual would absolutely hate and are constantly reminded of him or her when they see this child and that alone for them is enough to bad their kid..

im sure if this parent feels like they didn’t amount to much in life or didn’t enjoy life like they would have liked to or feels like life was much harder on them and see that their kids can amount to much more and hold potential or find some kind of enjoyment in life or sees that life is much easier on their kids then it was on them that it is alright then to completely bad mouth their kids… i couldn’t imagine why any parent would be jealous of their own but it seems that way..

i wonder if certain things that bothers a parent enough to cut down their children is actually how that parent views and feels about them self .. after all it is DNA your going after

perhaps it’s none of the above and that they just didn’t want kids to begin with .. life has left them bitter, cold and a distasteful out look on life and the fact they became a parent only worsened it…

maybe it’s not even that, maybe that’s how they’re parents raised them….

Fragile little feelings

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Sympathy……….. without looking it up online the first thing that comes to mind is “feeling sorry or bad for someone”… i could understand that to a certain degree being there is a few things i have a soft spot for that seem to provoke that feeling in me..  but are you supposed to have “sympathy” for a sensitive person.. how about having sympathy for a sensitive or overly sensitive “man”..  i have had moments and am completely part of that topic being that the overly sensitive influence from “men” and “father figures” in my life left that trait completely noticeable about me. … i don’t know how or what a man is supposed to be or act like so that is how i assumed a “man” to be..  i was shown certain aspects of being a “man” which included taking everything personal and allowing your feelings to be hurt from the littlest of comments…

either my mother is completely rude or such a hard ass to the point where it could be manly or the men i was surrounded by are just fragile little girls with fragile little feelings… constructive criticism is aimed at helping another person better themselves only said out wanting to help someone.. but when a “man” confuses that for being a mean cut down, should a person question there motive in that comment being all you were doing was handing out constructive criticism..do you keep in mind the fragile little feelings men carry when you talk to them… either some people can’t handle that or feel without flaw i am guessing… you see my mothers not one for holding back a comment,  and the thought of being around “men” you wouldn’t think she would have to..

when your arguing it seems that nasty cut downs go along with it… are you not supposed to defend yourself because those “men” can’t handle it… she can cut you down and rip you apart if she has to but that doesn’t take place tell these “men” began calling her names that would shatter anyone women self worth.. she took the cut downs but then began her own cut downs towards them and without fail they couldn’t handle it and the fragile little feelings where hurt.. the men could dish it but god forbid if they had to take it… women aren’t made of stone and neither was mom but she wasn’t so sensitive that she would break down and fall apart like they would have wanted her to…

now how a “man” takes a genuine compliment as a cut down is something that has left me dumbfounded many times.. i can not make sense of any of that nonsense….

do you refrain from conversations because if a topic that gets brought up these “men” seem to take personal and some how make it seem you were implying it was all about them when you weren’t even thinking of them when the topic got brought up..

how do you revolve life around these fragile little feelings, how do women be women when a man acts like that? no one should have to cope with the fact that some people are completely self centered and have to watch what they say around emotional men cause god forbid they can’t handle what is being said.. the freedom of speech to say whats on your mind is wonderful but to limit, watch and filter what you say so you don’t hurt no ones feelings is horrible that completely takes you away from feeling comfortable with your opinion let alone with yourself.. no one should second guess their voice let alone have to find it..  im sure it confuses most to see a tough looking man be that sensitive..

Finding God

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as a child and being told that all i have in this life is god… well… i come from a strong catholic background from my grandfather that lost its strength with my mother whom never pushed religion on any of us kids and left it for us to decide what to believe in… my grandfather on the other hand swore and lives by it… all his kids slowly strayed and found their ways in different churches other than the catholic church… i on the other hand prayed wholehearted as much as i could, especially being in the type of atmosphere i was in and feeling as alone as i felt i relied on god and not so much the church or religion those 2 did nothing for me, but in some strange way i thought god could… it started with prayers to have things change but i noticed the more i prayed for change the worse things became… then i started to pray for an intervention only to find even less of god in that… then the prayer for a sign that went unanswered and all i could think was how it did nothing for me and as steadfast in prayer as i was quickly changed to an all out avoidance of anything that had to do with “god” … i knew or at least i thought he was there but that i wouldn’t allow myself to feel completely ignored and shunned by god…

now had i known that “GOD” had his own twitter account i would never had second guessed his existence…. @thetweetofgod

a difference in influence

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father figures came and left throughout my childhood but the one that i seem to have held closest to me was my grandfather.. not the one who got off on preying on children but my actual blood grandfather .. he showed me a lot of things about life some maybe not the best because unfortunate circumstances in his life instead letting go of he clung to and became bitter from it and rightfully so with the hand he was dealt would turn anyone miserable so in seeing the life’s tough hand he was dealt i could understand certain bitter aspects he spoke of to me …. but with him being born in Brooklyn in the 40’s to Italian immigrants would form this old school persona and tough attitude that you couldn’t break or beat down.. not that height is ever a factor in anything but you would never guess that this guy as tiny as 5’4ish give or take would have as much courage as he did it is almost as if he has no concept of what fear is.. as hard as life seemed to be on him he had no vice other then a thrill of stirring political chaos which he seemed to have a remarkable ability to do… when i was born being that my real dad wanted nothing to do with me i seen through a photograph that he was the first man in my life to hold me.. as i grew older and he seen my mother had no intention on telling me who my real dad was and that the person raising me was only “step”, he must have felt she was taking to long to tell me and that being maybe 5 i was already man enough to handle knowledge like that so he told me…. he didn’t have nothing in his life he trusted or could turn to, my grand mother his ex wife whom he had 6+ kids with wouldn’t acknowledge him and of all the kids\grand kids and people in his life he found some kind of comfort in talking to me and around 11 years old i became more a confidant and his best friend than a grand kid because he said he already had to many of those and that he just needed someone to talk to… it would have seemed like i was his favorite and that he showed favoritism and who knows if that was the case but i enjoyed being around him and all the endless stories he shared and insisted he taught me, and he’d be the most loyal father figure that life would show me i had…

the love he had for women was something that was beyond being a womanizer as he could never let a pretty girl walk past him without him winking or saying hello he always says that gods greatest gift to man was women and that women could feel how much he loves them that’s why they love him so much… he taught me chivalry at its finest and told me “even more so then wining and dining women to also protect & respect them no matter what” , and surrounded by men who abuse women i held that lesson close…

in a comment that was said to me about being so close to my mother it was like we were having sex, i turned to my grand father and asked if i was weird for being so close to my mother and told him the comment i was told from my “step father” and as calm as he could turned to me and said there was nothing weird about it that the most beautiful relationship we can have is with our mother… and when i began to see the relationship between his mother and him i knew only a demented & twisted mind could have a comment like that… he explained how hard his mother made his life and how she treated him for having been so close to his father, he said that as much as his mom had put him through he didn’t see her nor would he treat her any different because that was his mother… seeing how much love he showed his mother who had alzhiemer’s and barely even recognized him was a bond i saw needed to be embraced….

he taught me having passion for things from accomplishments to loving\embracing your Italian heritage down to a little cup of coffee and holding moments that are dearest to you very close..

3 failed marriages one of which hes left with 5+ kids by himself to raise, left by his parents and living in quite a few foster homes as a child and how hes mother treated and rejected him his whole life until the point were she had alzheimer’s and only then was she able to show she loved him and then she finally passed, probably the only moment he might have felt his mothers love… it would explain why he carried certain issues toward women… there is a sadness you could see in his eyes and the way he carries himself when he walks.. life couldn’t make him flinch nor would he show any one that it took its toll, even in moments that bother him most and the tears fill his eyes as if pain and heartbreak just might have hit him but instead he hid them and most of the time wouldn’t allow himself to let the tears fall… he credits “god” for being able to make it through his life and that the devil was the reason for all the pain and strain he had to deal with…
in my childhood where CHIVALRY was non existent and being a “MAN” wasn’t even heard of, love and compassion were barely even shown, life seem to balance itself out when he came around….

provoking insanity part 3

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after i got rid of that imaginary place and gave up on prayer , i tried not thinking to much about what i was going through… those words and phrases of being told i had a warped mind and was slow would sit as dormant bubbles ready to pop at any given notice….. how do i relax or calm down my mind , it seemed to me that fear wasn’t going anywhere but eventually i could novicate it… drinking since 7th or 8th grade proved helpful and easy to get my hands on especially when certain family members insisted i drink with them despite barely being a teen, it didn’t matter what type of liquor as long as it did its job.. shots, mixed or straight out of the bottle was no difference to me.. but liquor eased a certain amount of pain because the nearer i got to the end of the bottle those troubled memories seemed to open its self up even more so… the first hit from the pipe was exactly what i had been needing , there’s something in the way it smelt right when you open the baggy, or the way it feels as you inhale and the burn you feel right after you exhale.. it was something to fog\cloud and make me feel some kind of sanity for awhile … every party i was at always had the pipe ready and a steady flow of liquor… the weed was constant i smoked it every chance i could apples and soda cans where my favorite cause they where the easiest to dispose of.. at that time drinking and pot was all i was into everything else served me no purpose….but eventually i stopped smoking pot and the next couple years i just stuck to drinking… but a friend who must have felt my pain offered comfort that could only come from a line … in offering his hand he had a straw and then i took it down…the sensation through my body and the taste from the drip set my racing thoughts\bad memories calm it set those moments and feelings of insanity suddenly sane… something that small no bigger than the nail on your pinky crushed into a line anywhere you desire, something so small does something nothing\no one and not even i could have done for myself.. to me god not only came in the form of a piece of bread on sunday but in any shape or form even of that which is bad for you.. being almost 20 and finally coming across this, finally some sort of delusional sanity i convinced myself of.. i wish i would have found that sooner being i was told i was on drugs all my life… the random states of hallucinating where incredible it was something to switch it all up where my imagination came to life and the reality i was living in all of a sudden became bent… and coke, if i was looking for a high that consisted of something more than a delusional reality and drifting in and out of sleep and wanted to stay up and drink all night there is nothing more enjoying than not only numbing your nose but numbing memories as well… all the comfort that it offered wasn’t enough but some how i convinced myself that it was because as high as i was allowed no room for bad memories and the more i thought i did the more normal i thought i felt.. all my life i searched for this “normal” or “sane” way of being and even though id be lying if i said i didn’t enjoy the drugs or the way i felt on them they only served as a momentary escape from myself.. seeing how the men in my life acted on meth and the monsters they became on it was the only drug i wouldn’t allow myself to do but it’s not my place to judge anyone’s choice\preference in whatever soothes\pacifies them…   i see that this person who tried convincing me as a kid i was slow, insane and brain dead was coming from someone who is strung out on meth , paranoid and going mad.. all of what he was telling me i was he was feeling going on with him… do you forgive that when it’s not their fault knowing meth altered who they where or accepting of the fact they “claim” sobriety in all they said and did to you as a child… the words of the course of years is what convinced me as a kid i had a warped mind.. in an asylum like atmosphere where you already lay vulnerable to losing your mind combined with the repetition of convincing statements like having a “warped mind” is what was provoking my insanity..