Speranza

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when i was younger my mother sat my siblings and i down, gave each our own note book and said i want you to write half a page everyday of anything, things that bother you, what your feeling or thinking it could be anything she said… i don’t remember if someone asked but she told us that we could put anything we wanted in there and that nobody would know because nobody would be able to read it…

i wrote a lot from that point on, i felt safe there and found a form of comfort… it would ease my mind and i not only vented there i used my journals as an escape… i knew there i could get as dark and vulnerable as i wanted… it was exactly what i needed.. my mothers instincts must have told her the kids needed somewhere that would give them a momentary escape from the chaotic surroundings… i never talked to or opened up to anybody so it was perfect for me, i finally had someone who would just listen to me for hours and hours

… it would seem like at some point someone has to violate you, and this person went through me and my brothers journal.. i didn’t know how much was read, but i made it a point after that to keep it hidden… that little journal was all i had to comfort me…

One night in writing, i thought how lonely i felt with it because granted i was getting a release with it, i wasn’t getting a response to tell me everything would be okay… I brought my journal to life, i don’t know what made me think i could but i did.. i had issues with men so i knew it couldn’t be a man, but i was comfortable with women.. I knew my journal was a her, i named her *Speranza*.. Speranza means Hope in Italian… Speranza gave me hope, and every time i wrote she was right there….

I usually left my journal at home but I brought it with me to this house when i was younger, i should have known better because if violating me when i was younger was that easy for this person, then doing it when i was older would be no different.. I ended up leaving it there but i didn’t remember right away.. i had to go back over to this house real quick and when i walked in, this person was buried and lost in a notebook, i didn’t think anything of it and it didn’t register that it was my journal being read.. later on that evening someone called my mom and said i forgot my journal at the house and that it was being read by this person… When mom told me all i could think of was “hopefully this person read the entries about their actions done to me as a child and much i hated them for it”….

i never let no one know anything of me, no one would understand me anyways.. i completely gave up on Speranza after that… the one place i had always felt safe no longer protected me… When this person who read my journal told my mom that one of her kids were gonna commit suicide, i knew a lot of my journal had been read… what was writing my thoughts supposed to do for me when people kept peering into my mind, how do i trust in that when trusting in it i became violated…

it was awhile before i wrote again, and i found comfort and something else to ease my mind… it only provided so much comfort, granted the occasional line on a center console or mirror numbed me it didn’t release my thoughts like writing did… and granted the puzzle pieces brought me into a whole new world and helped me escape my present reality, but that escape was only a moment and when the puzzle piece wore off i was back in reality…

I needed more then what that offered, and when i started getting my life together i went back to the journal, i went back to a place where i found the most comfort…. at that point i figured if anyone went through them it wouldn’t matter..

i recently saw those journals i wrote in so many years ago and i realized that Speranza (hope) didn’t go anywhere, she waited for me to feel comfortable with her again… and that even though i gave up on Speranza……

she didn’t give up on me…

 

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Fatherless children

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Working in the gym i noticed these mothers raising their child or children by themselves, maybe they had a boyfriend and maybe they didn’t, maybe the child’s dad was around and maybe he wasn’t, a lot of them opened up to me and would tell me that their child’s dad took off when she first found out she was pregnant or took off at some point down the line because he didn’t want the responsibilities of being a parent… maybe these mothers just needed someone to vent to… there was this one mom in particular whose child was making a fathers day gift and when she seen what her child was doing she said “oh how cute, to bad she doesn’t have a dad to give it to” and when she was done i saw a sense of sadness in her eyes, as she was probably debating on who she would have her daughter give the fathers day card to…

how does any mother explain something like that to their child, i don’t think there is any right way or right time to inform the child their dad isn’t around.. i was told at a young age by my grandfather that my real father wasn’t around, there was no explanation given right away when it was said, but eventually when i was older things were explained the best they could be.. i am sure that void is always felt, even before it’s told to the fatherless child, but i wonder if that void is so powerful it’s possible to be felt even in the womb… after all, there is a connection for so many months before the child is born…

There were children with both parents around, whether or not the parents were together made no difference because their dad was still in the picture… but seeing a number of kids without dad around it was an all to familiar feeling, i could relate to those kids.. it didn’t matter they were only a few years old and i was almost 20, that void i carried they to carried as well…

Maybe i was fortunate enough to be raised around my brothers dad, but he not only made it obvious i wasn’t his he reminded me i wasn’t when he would tell me things like he only helps raise me because my real dad wanted nothing to do with me…

My real dad was a contributing factor to me being born, and that was it.. i am not defined by him in any way at all, i am my own person… There isn’t anything i need to come to terms with him with.. he left and that was it… my mother was both my mom and dad… She taught me to be a man, showed me how men should and shouldn’t treat women and yet was mother at the same time…

And as those mothers at the gym would tell me how they are raising their child by themselves, i would tell them what life and my mother showed me, that maybe life not giving me a father did me a favor and was probably protecting me from having one… i realize that through my mothers instincts it is and was all i needed, and for that………

i am thankful

The “Real dad”

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my mother asked “did you come to terms with your Dad”….. i paused to think about that question for a minute……..

early on my real grandfather thought that being a young child i was ready to be told that who i thought was my father was not my father at all…  i don’t recall my initial reaction but i can still feel the confusion felt… thinking about it now i don’t know that it ever bothered me, or that younger me was so good at making it seem like i was always okay maybe i’ve tricked myself into thinking that i wasn’t bothered by it…

by nature i was curious about him but being a child it seemed i was to concerned with enjoying some kind of normal childhood but when i got into middle school and things seemed to be at it’s most dysfunctional the random thoughts came up more… middle school, my thrill for fist fights and weed kept my mind occupied from what was going on and from those random thoughts of my “Real Dad”…. even though i had random thoughts of him it didn’t mean that i needed him or wanted him around but i did wonder if he was any different from the man who was raising me.. what could a mother possibly say to comfort a kid who knows his “real dad” wants nothing to do with him as i was constantly reminded growing up, but mom in her own comforting way would tell me that maybe life was protecting me from something worse, which was hard for me to understand being that the environment i was living in was chaotic&dysfunctional .. a phone call or 2 all my life from him which was completely pathetic and when the phone call ended he insisted i say “i love you dad” which was the biggest fucking joke from this man and when i refused to say it he just like all the other men in my life resorted to the cut downs (why grown ass men cut down children is beyond me) the only name i can recall is him calling me a “sissy lala” which i am still confused to what that is and if i should take that as a cut down or not… i gave the phone to my mother, i wasn’t about to tell some “man” who wanted to hear his son who he knew nothing of tell him that he loved him which wasn’t gonna happen… in 17 years i never got anything on my birthday from him which wasn’t a big deal by any means but then on my 18th birthday i got a box in the mail from my real ‘real dad’ and when i opened it up there was 18 gifts , a cheap attempt to make up for all the birthdays he missed… perhaps if i had gotten other birthday gifts or even a note throughout my childhood from him this gift might have mattered.. it might have even meant something if he took the time to get to know me instead of getting me shit i had no interest in.. probably bought me gifts he liked and clearly my step father had a interest in…

years went by and i never heard from him again until i got a facebook friend request with my “real dad” and some kind of a classless attempt at being a father through a social media site. and that was the last of him…

i answered my mothers question .. there wasn’t a lot to come to terms with because i was never pissed off at him… how do i get upset at the fact he wanted he to live and enjoy his life without the responsibilities of having a kid, i look at it like thank you for doing me the favor and staying true to your choices…

Men and Mommy Issues

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growing up i was pretty much stuck to my real grandfathers side, the wealth of knowledge he shared with me and the comments that held so much value… he started talking to this girl, and she started telling him how her boyfriend would call her awful names and he tells her “how a man treats his mom is how that man treats his girl”…

……. growing up some of the names i heard my mother being called were things that would shatter any women’s self worth, as if the names to mom weren’t enough, the men thought it was “manly” to tell me what they thought about my mother, they expressed to me and thought i should know how much of a wh**e my mom was… i wondered what that was supposed to do for them telling me things like that at such a young age.. i guess the famous drug addict phrase ” i was high so i didn’t mean to do that” makes it all okay… but then what about the one claims sobriety?

i am completely aware of the fact that no relationship is perfect, and every couple is going to have it out with each other.. i get that…… calling people names is something that takes place right away in life as children and most don’t grow out of that… but i wonder when men call women names what that does for a person, perhaps the names they call women is the best way they know how to have an effective argument… thinking about what my grandfather said “how a man treats his mom is how a man treats his girl”… maybe those names men call women is a result of how he views his own mother.. men with mommy issues seem to carry that bitterness towards women and the abuse takes place with not just one but all their relationships… not to say it holds true for every couple and in every fight… but the men who can’t get enough of calling women Bit***s as if that is the only name they are aware of or the ones who can’t put up a good argument with women so they resort to the more hurtful names.. maybe how a women views or feels about her father is how she views or feels about who shes with?
maybe this guy didn’t like how his mom treated his dad, or that his mom didn’t give him enough attention and wasn’t there, maybe his mommy didn’t remember his 40th birthday, or mommy didn’t get him his lettermens jacket, and those issues with mommy roll over into verbally abusing who he is with because out of respect for his mom he won’t say how he really feels about her so instead he calls his girl those names…

i have heard numerous women say they feel like its them or that their doing something wrong or not doing enough if she could see how he treats his mom maybe then she will see the issue isn’t with her.. if men recognized their mommy issues i wonder if then they could see their issues with women differently…

 

Quality parenting

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i can’t say what a good parent is, nor do i have any kids to hand out advice…i have been around quite a few parents to see a common trait or perhaps a common quality they all seem to share from my friends parents to complete strangers who have kids even those life calls my family, and i couldn’t help but to notice how they all talk shit about their kids and don’t seem to mind everyone else doing so either..  i can’t imagine what could possibly compel a mother or father to completely cut down and ridicule one of their own.. if a parent is let down,disappointed and perhaps completely embarrassed from their child’s bad behavior and poor choices is it okay then to mock and ridicule them.. i am sure if the parent feels that child is disgracing the family’s name then it might be okay to trash their kids name even though that kid still carries the family name…

i wonder if a parent feels that their child poses some kind of a challenge or threat to them because in some kind of confused and distorted way of thinking that their child is either more of a man or women then they are so they find it acceptable to start talking shit about them and satisfaction in the fact that some people jump on their bandwagon and start talking shit about their kids as well…

maybe the parent had a child with some one they once loved but eventual would absolutely hate and are constantly reminded of him or her when they see this child and that alone for them is enough to bad their kid..

im sure if this parent feels like they didn’t amount to much in life or didn’t enjoy life like they would have liked to or feels like life was much harder on them and see that their kids can amount to much more and hold potential or find some kind of enjoyment in life or sees that life is much easier on their kids then it was on them that it is alright then to completely bad mouth their kids… i couldn’t imagine why any parent would be jealous of their own but it seems that way..

i wonder if certain things that bothers a parent enough to cut down their children is actually how that parent views and feels about them self .. after all it is DNA your going after

perhaps it’s none of the above and that they just didn’t want kids to begin with .. life has left them bitter, cold and a distasteful out look on life and the fact they became a parent only worsened it…

maybe it’s not even that, maybe that’s how they’re parents raised them….

Fragile little feelings

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Sympathy……….. without looking it up online the first thing that comes to mind is “feeling sorry or bad for someone”… i could understand that to a certain degree being there is a few things i have a soft spot for that seem to provoke that feeling in me..  but are you supposed to have “sympathy” for a sensitive person.. how about having sympathy for a sensitive or overly sensitive “man”..  i have had moments and am completely part of that topic being that the overly sensitive influence from “men” and “father figures” in my life left that trait completely noticeable about me. … i don’t know how or what a man is supposed to be or act like so that is how i assumed a “man” to be..  i was shown certain aspects of being a “man” which included taking everything personal and allowing your feelings to be hurt from the littlest of comments…

either my mother is completely rude or such a hard ass to the point where it could be manly or the men i was surrounded by are just fragile little girls with fragile little feelings… constructive criticism is aimed at helping another person better themselves only said out wanting to help someone.. but when a “man” confuses that for being a mean cut down, should a person question there motive in that comment being all you were doing was handing out constructive criticism..do you keep in mind the fragile little feelings men carry when you talk to them… either some people can’t handle that or feel without flaw i am guessing… you see my mothers not one for holding back a comment,  and the thought of being around “men” you wouldn’t think she would have to..

when your arguing it seems that nasty cut downs go along with it… are you not supposed to defend yourself because those “men” can’t handle it… she can cut you down and rip you apart if she has to but that doesn’t take place tell these “men” began calling her names that would shatter anyone women self worth.. she took the cut downs but then began her own cut downs towards them and without fail they couldn’t handle it and the fragile little feelings where hurt.. the men could dish it but god forbid if they had to take it… women aren’t made of stone and neither was mom but she wasn’t so sensitive that she would break down and fall apart like they would have wanted her to…

now how a “man” takes a genuine compliment as a cut down is something that has left me dumbfounded many times.. i can not make sense of any of that nonsense….

do you refrain from conversations because if a topic that gets brought up these “men” seem to take personal and some how make it seem you were implying it was all about them when you weren’t even thinking of them when the topic got brought up..

how do you revolve life around these fragile little feelings, how do women be women when a man acts like that? no one should have to cope with the fact that some people are completely self centered and have to watch what they say around emotional men cause god forbid they can’t handle what is being said.. the freedom of speech to say whats on your mind is wonderful but to limit, watch and filter what you say so you don’t hurt no ones feelings is horrible that completely takes you away from feeling comfortable with your opinion let alone with yourself.. no one should second guess their voice let alone have to find it..  im sure it confuses most to see a tough looking man be that sensitive..