Fatherless children

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Working in the gym i noticed these mothers raising their child or children by themselves, maybe they had a boyfriend and maybe they didn’t, maybe the child’s dad was around and maybe he wasn’t, a lot of them opened up to me and would tell me that their child’s dad took off when she first found out she was pregnant or took off at some point down the line because he didn’t want the responsibilities of being a parent… maybe these mothers just needed someone to vent to… there was this one mom in particular whose child was making a fathers day gift and when she seen what her child was doing she said “oh how cute, to bad she doesn’t have a dad to give it to” and when she was done i saw a sense of sadness in her eyes, as she was probably debating on who she would have her daughter give the fathers day card to…

how does any mother explain something like that to their child, i don’t think there is any right way or right time to inform the child their dad isn’t around.. i was told at a young age by my grandfather that my real father wasn’t around, there was no explanation given right away when it was said, but eventually when i was older things were explained the best they could be.. i am sure that void is always felt, even before it’s told to the fatherless child, but i wonder if that void is so powerful it’s possible to be felt even in the womb… after all, there is a connection for so many months before the child is born…

There were children with both parents around, whether or not the parents were together made no difference because their dad was still in the picture… but seeing a number of kids without dad around it was an all to familiar feeling, i could relate to those kids.. it didn’t matter they were only a few years old and i was almost 20, that void i carried they to carried as well…

Maybe i was fortunate enough to be raised around my brothers dad, but he not only made it obvious i wasn’t his he reminded me i wasn’t when he would tell me things like he only helps raise me because my real dad wanted nothing to do with me…

My real dad was a contributing factor to me being born, and that was it.. i am not defined by him in any way at all, i am my own person… There isn’t anything i need to come to terms with him with.. he left and that was it… my mother was both my mom and dad… She taught me to be a man, showed me how men should and shouldn’t treat women and yet was mother at the same time…

And as those mothers at the gym would tell me how they are raising their child by themselves, i would tell them what life and my mother showed me, that maybe life not giving me a father did me a favor and was probably protecting me from having one… i realize that through my mothers instincts it is and was all i needed, and for that………

i am thankful

Mister Misery

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It wasn’t all bad all the time growing up with these men, there were moments with them that meant everything to me… the moments where certain things are said or certain things are done that had appeared to be genuine confused me because prior to that they couldn’t stop being violent or cutting us children down..

The moments were the talking is rational and their behavior is normal had me wondering if this is who they really are and if it was why would they try so hard to hide this person… but i also wondered if how they were acting was even real and how hard they had to pretend to be that nice… i couldn’t tell… because for so long prior to those moments they were mean, violent and couldn’t get enough of degrading our mother to us… maybe they thought that a rarely given moment like that we would overlook everything they had done just moments before… maybe they thought that their nice words or nice way of talking we would overlook all their cut downs.. i wondered how hard it was for them to be that nice and that if at some point they couldn’t handle the fact that there being so nice so they went back to their usual self…

Did it bother them seeing other people happy? happiness and chaos seemed to dictated by the men of the house… if things were running to smooth they didn’t hesitate to shake it up a bit… maybe they’re addicted to the chaos…

The thing is they were apart of my “childhood” all the bad and the moments of it being okay, I never wondered why they did certain things because what are the chances of getting an honest and genuine answer let alone them owning up to what they did… i did wonder if they wanted to be a better person but just couldn’t because being a better person was to difficult for them, maybe they were comfortable being completely miserable… perhaps the statement “misery loves company” couldn’t be more true… maybe the fact you hold on in hopes to see them change, be better or be nicer because they show you just that in those rarely given moments.. that might be their key to how “misery keeps its company”….

 

Quality parenting

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i can’t say what a good parent is, nor do i have any kids to hand out advice…i have been around quite a few parents to see a common trait or perhaps a common quality they all seem to share from my friends parents to complete strangers who have kids even those life calls my family, and i couldn’t help but to notice how they all talk shit about their kids and don’t seem to mind everyone else doing so either..  i can’t imagine what could possibly compel a mother or father to completely cut down and ridicule one of their own.. if a parent is let down,disappointed and perhaps completely embarrassed from their child’s bad behavior and poor choices is it okay then to mock and ridicule them.. i am sure if the parent feels that child is disgracing the family’s name then it might be okay to trash their kids name even though that kid still carries the family name…

i wonder if a parent feels that their child poses some kind of a challenge or threat to them because in some kind of confused and distorted way of thinking that their child is either more of a man or women then they are so they find it acceptable to start talking shit about them and satisfaction in the fact that some people jump on their bandwagon and start talking shit about their kids as well…

maybe the parent had a child with some one they once loved but eventual would absolutely hate and are constantly reminded of him or her when they see this child and that alone for them is enough to bad their kid..

im sure if this parent feels like they didn’t amount to much in life or didn’t enjoy life like they would have liked to or feels like life was much harder on them and see that their kids can amount to much more and hold potential or find some kind of enjoyment in life or sees that life is much easier on their kids then it was on them that it is alright then to completely bad mouth their kids… i couldn’t imagine why any parent would be jealous of their own but it seems that way..

i wonder if certain things that bothers a parent enough to cut down their children is actually how that parent views and feels about them self .. after all it is DNA your going after

perhaps it’s none of the above and that they just didn’t want kids to begin with .. life has left them bitter, cold and a distasteful out look on life and the fact they became a parent only worsened it…

maybe it’s not even that, maybe that’s how they’re parents raised them….

Fragile little feelings

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Sympathy……….. without looking it up online the first thing that comes to mind is “feeling sorry or bad for someone”… i could understand that to a certain degree being there is a few things i have a soft spot for that seem to provoke that feeling in me..  but are you supposed to have “sympathy” for a sensitive person.. how about having sympathy for a sensitive or overly sensitive “man”..  i have had moments and am completely part of that topic being that the overly sensitive influence from “men” and “father figures” in my life left that trait completely noticeable about me. … i don’t know how or what a man is supposed to be or act like so that is how i assumed a “man” to be..  i was shown certain aspects of being a “man” which included taking everything personal and allowing your feelings to be hurt from the littlest of comments…

either my mother is completely rude or such a hard ass to the point where it could be manly or the men i was surrounded by are just fragile little girls with fragile little feelings… constructive criticism is aimed at helping another person better themselves only said out wanting to help someone.. but when a “man” confuses that for being a mean cut down, should a person question there motive in that comment being all you were doing was handing out constructive criticism..do you keep in mind the fragile little feelings men carry when you talk to them… either some people can’t handle that or feel without flaw i am guessing… you see my mothers not one for holding back a comment,  and the thought of being around “men” you wouldn’t think she would have to..

when your arguing it seems that nasty cut downs go along with it… are you not supposed to defend yourself because those “men” can’t handle it… she can cut you down and rip you apart if she has to but that doesn’t take place tell these “men” began calling her names that would shatter anyone women self worth.. she took the cut downs but then began her own cut downs towards them and without fail they couldn’t handle it and the fragile little feelings where hurt.. the men could dish it but god forbid if they had to take it… women aren’t made of stone and neither was mom but she wasn’t so sensitive that she would break down and fall apart like they would have wanted her to…

now how a “man” takes a genuine compliment as a cut down is something that has left me dumbfounded many times.. i can not make sense of any of that nonsense….

do you refrain from conversations because if a topic that gets brought up these “men” seem to take personal and some how make it seem you were implying it was all about them when you weren’t even thinking of them when the topic got brought up..

how do you revolve life around these fragile little feelings, how do women be women when a man acts like that? no one should have to cope with the fact that some people are completely self centered and have to watch what they say around emotional men cause god forbid they can’t handle what is being said.. the freedom of speech to say whats on your mind is wonderful but to limit, watch and filter what you say so you don’t hurt no ones feelings is horrible that completely takes you away from feeling comfortable with your opinion let alone with yourself.. no one should second guess their voice let alone have to find it..  im sure it confuses most to see a tough looking man be that sensitive..