moments in time

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his palms were firmly pressed down on an ice chest, his knee’s were slightly bent as if he was so accustomed to that position he was stuck in it, he was fully clothed but his pants wrapped around hes ankles like a form of shackles were confining him to that moment in time, the blood dripping down the back of his thigh was still as red as when it first happened… and his eyes, completely expressionless as if the moment the penetration took place it punctured his soul and left him lifeless in that moment in time… he was locked in that moment, stuck in a position so vulnerable, and as i walk around him i wondered the ways to help free him… i soon realized that this person i was starring at…. was me.. i seemed to have forgot all about him…

i started seeing not just that piece of me locked in that moment, but other violent moments shut me down, then locked me up…

i wondered if the person who penetrated me or got physical with me turned me to stone, hoping those moments would forever stay still, silent and long forgotten… perhaps i locked myself in those moments hoping i would forget it all together as a form of self preservation….

how do i unlock those moments in time, and if i could, would i want to? Does anything good ever come from unlocking Pandora’s box? or do i have the power of the outcome…

Did he in those moments want to be unlocked? was he waiting for me to remember so i could comeback to him…

i knew in unlocking that moment that memory would have to play itself out, but doing so was essential to healing… i had no control over what took place, so i withdrew from those moments to protect me, my sanity, or maybe my soul.. no key unlocked it, only willingness to heal those moments unlocks it… healing that moment, would allow me to move forward…

While time never stands still, i became locked inside a moment in time… .

 

 

 

Behavioral Improv’s

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A couple years ago when my youngest brother was like 3 or 4, i remember watching him searching for this outfit and not giving up till he found it, when he found it there was serious focus in putting it on and once he put on his black spider man mask to complete the outfit, he went right into character without even trying.. I let my mind drift back to his age and the moments when i could convince myself i could be anyone i wanted….

my first time watching “Harriet the spy” i completely thought i was a little spy myself and once i had all those things that i believed to make me a spy, i was completely convinced, i even took notes from blues clues to become a better spy.. Being raised by women i was completely mesmerized by Their long dark hair and all the colored heels they wore, the different colored strings, the bra’s, the purses, nylons, jewelry, tight spandex, glitter and all the layers of make up they spent so much time putting on, as a little boy that was another character i convinced myself i could be and having a little sister who liked to play dress up was perfect, between the barbie dolls and the women in our lives it inspired the make up we wore down to the heels we picked out… i could go right from that into a full blown construction worker… maybe being a gemini made it even more so easier…

I realize that i didn’t lose that side to me right away and it would serve me as long as i needed it… when i was older and certain things took place i felt i needed to “pretend” like everything was all right around everyone… what took place when no one was around and behind closed doors that left me feeling broken and altered but as soon as i got in front of someone or walked back through that door i went right back into “pretending” like i was happy and fine.. I could fool most, but i realized it only added to the fact that i remained lost and untrue to myself. The things i pretended i had found comfort in…  i started thinking about the fact that as children we can go into being someone else and pretending certain things to be true even though they’re not…

I am sure everyone has there reason for pretending to be okay or alright, i remember when i was younger seeing my mother cry and when i asked her if she was alright she would say “everything was fine” as she wiped her eyes, her pretending to be okay so i wouldn’t worry… some people can pretend so well no one would ever guess there is something wrong, i noticed though there are people who can see right through the fact your pretending… but how long could you really pretend for, at some point even an actor gets burnt out… i became exhausted and tired in pretending certain things, i found myself looking back on my life and the process of becoming true to who i was began to take place..

Coming to terms with my past i didn’t find it necessary to continue pretending with certain things, and i found this Real me character far more fascinating than anything i pretended to be…

Dynamic Walls

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In understanding myself i went back as early as my mind would allow me, to my first taste of what it felt like to be hurt…

my inner child started piecing together this place that would provide a sense of security and keep everyone out, i could see it as a whole, and i could see it in it’s earliest stages of taking it’s form… i could see his confidence in the fact he knew what he was building and the purpose it would serve me, life didn’t seem to stop handing him bricks, which worked for him because he wanted it multiple bricks thick and high enough to reach the heavens, something so you couldn’t tell what was going on and no one could breakdown… This child stood back and excitedly acknowledged this wall he built… he realized that while it is invisible to the eye, it would be felt and serve a purpose only to be recognized and understood later on in life.. knowing he had shut everyone out he created worlds all his own, in his own way so he wouldn’t feel alone.. he included and excluded anything and everything he wanted…

Recently i started acknowledging these walls i built… i saw the magnitude of it, i saw how teddy protected himself from the things that happened and all the future things that would take place… he couldn’t do it psychically but he could emotionally… i see that when things take place as a child the walls go under immediate construction to provide some kind of shelter or safe place within… the walls had kept everyone out for so long that no one knew me, knew how i felt or knew what was going.. the walls seemed to intensify under certain situations i feel like they took on a life of their own or perhaps that’s how i designed them…

when i was a little older the youngest of my uncles gave me “The wall” by pink Floyd and i was completely fascinated by the movie and the album… Sometimes things are handed to you in life to help you make sense of certain things if not now then later on in life…

as I began to understand myself i saw and understood these these walls more clearly, i saw how my life revolved around building these walls and instead of tearing it apart i would leave it up but i created a door into it and instead of keeping everyone out, i let certain people in….

there’s something powerful about your walls, although you can build it willingly, life will put them up for you automatically…

Martha

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In 9th grade i was told to go to the supply room to grab what we needed for the class.. when i walked in i gave her the list and she said “hi teddy, do you remember me”, i shuffled through my memories but she wasn’t at all familiar and before i could tell her that she said “i watched you and your siblings when you were children”, i then remembered who she was…

i made it a point to stop by as often as i could to see how she was doing from that moment forward…when things were at there worst around the house and not having no one to turn to, the fact she asked how i was and if i was alright meant the world to me.. I never opened up and said what was going on but she seemed to tell when something was bothering me because she had random comments like “everything is going to be okay teddy”… without me telling her anything there was something about her that would calm all my emotions there was something beyond comforting about her..

She asked me if i could do this or that for her whenever i stopped by her class, i told her i would and that i didn’t mind and she would tell me things like thank you *i am just to tired, *that she couldn’t keep up with the things she had to do *that she wanted to lay down… and after i helped her she asked if i would walk her out, locking arms so i could help her walk.. one of the times i walked her out of her room she fell, luckily she was locked in my arm so i broke her fall, for the most part atleast, as i helped her up she said thankfully your here to help me i asked if she was okay and she told me she was gonna go home because *she was tired…

i can’t recall the time frame but after a while of my frequent stops to see how she was, the door was locked… after so many times of knocking on a locked door i stopped all together, while i thought it was odd, i didn’t think much of it i just assumed she was busy….

after what might have been a few months of not seeing her i was told she passed away…she said someone filled a missing person report and that they found her in where she was living.. she fell in her apartment right in front of her door face down… they said it was almost 2 weeks before anyone found her…

as with everything else in my life that bothered me i buried it, and refused to acknowledge it……….

so many years have passed without thinking of her up until i get a comment on a post and noticed how familiar her name was… she shared the same name of my friend who passed

feeling her presence lately my mother confirmed it in saying that she was here..

i realize that even though i didn’t think about her all that much, that she had been with me, and will continue to always be with me..

 

 

 

 

 

 

interpreting scriptures

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My mother didn’t believe in pushing religion on us or shoving god down our throat, she instead let us pick and choose whatever it is we wanted to believe in and would back us regardless of belief… my real grandfather on the other hand spoke to us every chance he could about the bible and being catholic… if it were not for his devotion and complete faith towards god perhaps i would not have seen the “god complex” that certain people in my life held..

Being told i would not enter the gates of heaven unless i was baptized, or that i should go out of my way to find my “real dad” because it’s the commandment, being told i needed to confess my sins, or that i would be going to hell because i am catholic and the brown scapular i wore was insulting to god or that i would be damned to hell if i wasn’t saved along with so many other things, were it wasn’t about just talking about the bible to me it was more like these people felt as if they had that power to judge and damn people to hell as if they were god him self… some where along the lines of learning the bible they developed a god complex….

i am aware of the verse we are all made in his likeness, but i am not aware of any scriptures that say people hold that power to damn others to hell… being told you needed to be saved or if i did anything wrong in life you would burn in hell is one thing and therefore their distorted translation of scriptures gave me this idea that god is unforgiving and merciless, but once i started to read the bible i saw they failed to mention the fact that god is a compassionate and forgiving god…

i let people express their views on the bible but i saw in that expressing how they view bible it was simply their interpretation of the bible and instead of taking their word for it i began to look it up for myself… my real grandfather in reciting scriptures gets pissed off at the devil and never fails to say “GODDAMN THE DEVIL” eventually my mother had enough of that and tells him to not take the lords name in vain at all around her and his reply to that is “i feel like god gives me that right to use his name in vain”… i have yet to come across a scripture that says under any circumstance taking his name in vain is alright. or another person who is told that a scripture states “if god be for you who can be against you” and he interpreted that as “if you are not for me, then you are against me”, obviously everyone interprets scriptures differently but life has shown me some who feel as if they are god him self…

just because you claim to understand the bible doesn’t make you god, or having made mass and getting those jesus wafers and a sip of wine doesn’t make you superior to anyone else, and not one church is more holier and more worthy of heaven than another …              after all isn’t it the same god we all acknowledge?

The bible offers so many different things to people, but i wouldn’t have thought it would have been a means to inflate peoples ego and give them a “god complex”

To see and hear people feel superior to god to the point where they feel they are god is awful and i am sure that in it being written there wasn’t the intention for making you feel like it’s to twist and distort in ways that work and only apply to yourself…

Marriage Dominators

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i have seen so many different aspects to what love holds … it brings light to peoples life but for some love is completely dark… at some point in that quest for love some believe to make that love “official” they do what most consider the greatest accomplishment of their life and get married…

That wedding ring states the person is married, but i have wondered what does that marriage license do? does it make it official? Does it just prove that you are married? Does it Mean That you now legally own your spouse?

There is a respect factor that takes place towards marriages, but isn’t their a respect factor in the marriage? i imagine their is certain things that come to an end when you get married as you let go of being single and transition into being married, i am completely aware their is no perfect relationship and that with the highs comes the lows..

but i don’t believe that a marriage means you own another persons life… i have seen men in their marriage in absolute control over everything even their wife… not even just the marriage but in a relationship as well how one feels they own the other..

i doubt when you sign your marriage license it means that you sign over your rights as a person to the other spouse, although that controlling spouse might think different… i have seen a few married men dictate everything about their wife’s life from who she can and cannot hang out with to even how she act’s as a person, i don’t think she thought that in signing the marriage license she was agreeing to sign over her individuality…

i don’t believe that anybody should have to ask for permission to go to the store because the insecure spouse needs to know where you at at all times.. asking who your married to if what your wearing is nice or cute is one thing but when what you wear becomes dictated because your spouse doesn’t want you having to much attention or thinks that by you not looking your best he can trust you more… i would think that part of the reason you said your vows is because you completely trust that person…. maybe that spouse has a serious inferiority complex and doesn’t want you looking better than him….

in a marriage where you have to watch what say or the tone you say it in so you don’t offend or hurt your spouses feelings, i wonder where in the vows does it say that when you get married the 1st amendment no longer applies to you…

some love getting married so much they get married numerous times, some have huge extravagant weddings and are willing to go broke over it and some just prefer the drive thru that’s open 24hrs a day…..

i am sure marriage is a great thing and it seems it works differently for each couple, some claim to have a great spouse that they are completely in love with while they have a lover on the side and then some choose to just remain in denial but however there marriage to work and last (which is a rare thing nowadays) is great for them… but would it still last if the divorce was as cheap as the marriage license…

mutual love and mutual respect in a marriage is important where 2 become a unity Not Defined By One, an individual shouldn’t have to lose their identity to better suit the marriage…

Men and Mommy Issues

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growing up i was pretty much stuck to my real grandfathers side, the wealth of knowledge he shared with me and the comments that held so much value… he started talking to this girl, and she started telling him how her boyfriend would call her awful names and he tells her “how a man treats his mom is how that man treats his girl”…

……. growing up some of the names i heard my mother being called were things that would shatter any women’s self worth, as if the names to mom weren’t enough, the men thought it was “manly” to tell me what they thought about my mother, they expressed to me and thought i should know how much of a wh**e my mom was… i wondered what that was supposed to do for them telling me things like that at such a young age.. i guess the famous drug addict phrase ” i was high so i didn’t mean to do that” makes it all okay… but then what about the one claims sobriety?

i am completely aware of the fact that no relationship is perfect, and every couple is going to have it out with each other.. i get that…… calling people names is something that takes place right away in life as children and most don’t grow out of that… but i wonder when men call women names what that does for a person, perhaps the names they call women is the best way they know how to have an effective argument… thinking about what my grandfather said “how a man treats his mom is how a man treats his girl”… maybe those names men call women is a result of how he views his own mother.. men with mommy issues seem to carry that bitterness towards women and the abuse takes place with not just one but all their relationships… not to say it holds true for every couple and in every fight… but the men who can’t get enough of calling women Bit***s as if that is the only name they are aware of or the ones who can’t put up a good argument with women so they resort to the more hurtful names.. maybe how a women views or feels about her father is how she views or feels about who shes with?
maybe this guy didn’t like how his mom treated his dad, or that his mom didn’t give him enough attention and wasn’t there, maybe his mommy didn’t remember his 40th birthday, or mommy didn’t get him his lettermens jacket, and those issues with mommy roll over into verbally abusing who he is with because out of respect for his mom he won’t say how he really feels about her so instead he calls his girl those names…

i have heard numerous women say they feel like its them or that their doing something wrong or not doing enough if she could see how he treats his mom maybe then she will see the issue isn’t with her.. if men recognized their mommy issues i wonder if then they could see their issues with women differently…