provoking insanity part 1

Standard

you swear your memory serves you right, how could it be wrong when its something that plays so clear in your mind you can actually feel the pain\emotions that was felt in it…. why would someone convince themselves certain things happen when it never even took place, especially if its traumatizing.. correcting a memory that’s a little off is necessary because you don’t want to add to it let alone forget anything important… but telling you that something is wrong with you, or that your mind is gone or warped because the person who put you through all that hell doesn’t want to admit all hes done, so they try and convince you your going insane.. maybe subconsciously out of hope you’ll question everything you thought you went through with them.. after being told that for so often you begin questioning your own sanity. eventually i was told i was to fucking to slow to amount to anything or that i didn’t graduate because i was to slow.. for whatever reason he felt that he should be instilling comments like that in a kids mind he adds to that already convincing statement he said the reason i was slow was because my mother was on drugs during her pregnancy with me… which later on i found out that my “step father” was lying about that… the chaotic atmosphere was already unreal to me anyways but for someone to try and convince me it didn’t happen that i was delusional and my mind was warped was even more frightening.. i began to believe i had a broken mind and that all i had been through was making me insane… the most haunting of memories played so clear and seemed to be repeating itself in my mind as the statements are being said i am losing it… i began fearing insanity as if it were it’s own person, i refused to even speak of or acknowledge anything of it’s nature… but in an atmosphere where things are so chaotic so often its insanity… an insane atmosphere.. how do you maintain any kind of sanity in that? how do i calm down my mind or even get it to stop… prayer? prayer served no purpose for me then…. i relied on that till i saw prayer for some reason only worsened things and if god of all people didn’t get it or make it stop then nobody would get it or understand it… being alone and feeling that loneliness as a kid bothered me occasionally but where i seem to feel insanity at it’s closest with me were the moments where i am by myself at home and there isn’t any sort of noise going on, things are so silent it’s deafening and the memories seem to be getting louder the more silent the house became… i could fool the best with making it seem like i was calm and alright, but within i was screaming for some kind of change, to maybe feel some kind of normal within because my “stepfather” convinced me as a child something was wrong with me… my imagination was something my mother had us kids carry and hold on to as long as we could… when things would get bad or completely insane i started calming all that down with a whole nother world i began to create with my imagination… creating something within where i began to feel safe, something normal and where i wouldn’t feel so alone…

Advertisements