moments in time

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his palms were firmly pressed down on an ice chest, his knee’s were slightly bent as if he was so accustomed to that position he was stuck in it, he was fully clothed but his pants wrapped around hes ankles like a form of shackles were confining him to that moment in time, the blood dripping down the back of his thigh was still as red as when it first happened… and his eyes, completely expressionless as if the moment the penetration took place it punctured his soul and left him lifeless in that moment in time… he was locked in that moment, stuck in a position so vulnerable, and as i walk around him i wondered the ways to help free him… i soon realized that this person i was starring at…. was me.. i seemed to have forgot all about him…

i started seeing not just that piece of me locked in that moment, but other violent moments shut me down, then locked me up…

i wondered if the person who penetrated me or got physical with me turned me to stone, hoping those moments would forever stay still, silent and long forgotten… perhaps i locked myself in those moments hoping i would forget it all together as a form of self preservation….

how do i unlock those moments in time, and if i could, would i want to? Does anything good ever come from unlocking Pandora’s box? or do i have the power of the outcome…

Did he in those moments want to be unlocked? was he waiting for me to remember so i could comeback to him…

i knew in unlocking that moment that memory would have to play itself out, but doing so was essential to healing… i had no control over what took place, so i withdrew from those moments to protect me, my sanity, or maybe my soul.. no key unlocked it, only willingness to heal those moments unlocks it… healing that moment, would allow me to move forward…

While time never stands still, i became locked inside a moment in time… .

 

 

 

Creating Your Own Fate

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Karma… I was told growing up that what i did to other people, people would do to me or if i stole i would have my things stolen…

When i was barely a teenager i would See thick stacks of 100$ bills tucked away in cabinets or in the bathroom or what appeared to be a book but when i opened it up it had the middle taken out and was filled with 100$ bills and every time i saw piles of cash like that i thought to myself their not gonna notice 2 or 3 hundred dollars missing but every single time i took it within minutes they came looking for me… I couldn’t get away with it, i got caught every single time….

I was a few months away from turning 18 when i started working and I didn’t want to open a bank account i preferred just to keep cash and hid it in certain spots i thought no one would find.. every check i cashed i started noticing i was missing money, 20 here 40 there sometimes even more and i was pissed off every time because i didn’t make that much, and after awhile of getting my money stolen i thought, how mad could i possibly be at that… karma was collecting the debt’s i owed… but i began to wonder if karma showed favoritism and was more lenient on some and went into full force with others.. I knew i stole a lot and had a lot to account for but i stole from crooks and plus i was a kid… it took me being a little older to realize that whether i was stealing from a crook or an honest man that karma was karma….

i wondered why it took place so quick with me and yet with others who had done far worse things within the family it took so long for karma to make its presence known with them… maybe karma expected more out of me that’s why it came so quick…. for awhile it seemed the more evil you were the longer or less likely karma came around..

I thought that until one night while i was out i got a phone call from my mother who informed me that someone had died…From what i am told this person was hit by a vehicle and didn’t die right away, this person suffered for quite sometime….. In being hit, it crushed their chest and completely paralyzed this person.. This person was left in a wheel, on an oxygen tank to assist their breathing, bags that filled when going to the bathroom and could hear but couldn’t speak…

i saw this individual after the accident and noticed how completely different this person looked… i saw someone vulnerable, fragile, frail and completely helpless… i thought about the moments as a child in the locked garage when not just my clothes were stripped but my life was completely stripped and shattered… i struggled for so many years from the demented things i was put through, i remained silent and didn’t want to talk about those moments and i saw how life took their voice… Those moments haunted me all my life and at times when i saw this person their was a look of fear in their eyes like maybe the accident played as a haunting memory , or perhaps the things this person did to me as a child were haunting their memories… those moments this person hurt me i was completely helpless and for awhile this person sat very helpless… i saw how life made this person feel everything i felt… This person had their way with me as a child, but life now had it’s way with this person…

I realize now that at some point life catches up with everybody, it shows no favoritism like i thought and goes after some quicker than others.. i see karma leaves no debt uncollected.. it takes time to set up that moment for karma to go into full effect….

Ruptured Secrets

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if i could have blacked it out and never remembered it again i would have, if i could have went in and pulled out those memories that altered the rest of my life i would have, if there was ever such thing as surgically removing haunting memories i would pay it… the memory so traumatizing i wonder if it haunts the people that did what they did… but I had buried it away and had no intentions in ever going there again, i thought i did a pretty good job because i managed to barely think of what had happened and felt like i mastered the art of pretending like i was completely alright… i kept the secret to myself…

i tried as hard as i could to keep it buried and tucked away, in some weird way i thought i could black it out so i couldn’t remember it at all… i thought i could trick my mind into completely forgetting what had happened, i completely fooled myself and i realize now how unbelievably powerful our minds are… in a completely unpredictable moment that memory surfaced and felt as if i had been taken back to the moment it was taking place.. the fact i had i put so much into erasing and hiding all that is probably why it came back to me so violently… maybe my out of control inner demons broke through or an inner angel thought it was best on my behalf to open my Pandora’s box, either way it brought me back to place i had completely tried to forget…

i held to that secret, and the fact i was completely lost and so unsure of who i was + finding comfort in a variety of drugs to distort my reality and all the liquor help put numerous seals to keep that secret locked and tucked away…. my mind would push through all that inner debris and bring forth a memory i tried so hard to forget..

as i read Sigmund Freud’s Psychodynamic theory…….