Imprinted Memories

Standard

When i was in middle school i was completely rebellious and rowdy, got in trouble Alot, frequent fights and poor choices probably was my form of release from the things that were taking place but in doing that it gave me a couple trips to behavior school and then a moment of standing before a judge… before i walked in my attorney tells me “the judge is pushing for you to do jail time so when you get in their do not smile do not frown and answer her yes ma’am no ma’am”, she was obviously in a pissed off mood and my hearing didn’t make her anymore happy… i walked in and shot down everything inside of me so i wouldn’t bring attention to myself exactly like my attorney had said to do, little did he know i was completely accustomed to acting like that, i did it all the time…

I had around 140 hrs of community service to do, all of which i did at the elementary school down the street, one of the nights there i had finished up and my beeper beeped with a message from my “step-dad” that read “i will pick you up after your done, be in front of the school”… after i was done around maybe 9’oclock i got out and looked for his jaguar, but the night was eerily quiet, it started to make me nervous and after waiting a few minutes i thought perhaps he didn’t see me so i decided to walk up a little ways to where their was more light so it would be easier for him to spot me, he eventually found me and after i got in and closed the door he freaked out because i wasn’t in front of the school like he said, he must have thought i couldn’t hear him screaming so he lowered the already low sounding music, he turned to look at me and once he saw his yelling wasn’t affecting me he took his right hand off the steering wheel and without hesitation swung the back of his hand into my chest in a fit of rage for the duration of the red light, the light turned green which was probably the go ahead for him to stop and he was completely winded it took him a minute to catch his breathe.. The silence in the car was more deafening than his yelling… I was already in shock by the whole thing but when he said “If you say Anything to your mother it will be 10 times worse” it made me even more freaked out… as i walked into the house completely unfazed by what had just taken place,  i saw my mother and i put my head down and walked up the stairs and she asked if everything is okay and my “step-father” answered for me and said yeah he is fine he’s just tired…

All these years later, i began speaking through my silence and in telling my mother about it, i felt as if i had completely re-opened that memory… that moment played so clear for me, i can still hear how quiet it got after it settled down, i can still feel the impact of the back of his hand against my chest or the thud it made as he hit my chest… i feel like those moments of shock are imprinted into your memory and reserved for a later time when your ready to come to terms with things….

In settling things within myself that memory opened up to me, and while i realize that the “why’s” are rarely met with an answer, and the i am sorry are rarely genuine if they are even given at all…. As i let the memory play for me, i gave it back to him because i am sure if it played that clear for me it would play that clear for him and in seeing, hearing and feeling what i felt maybe he then would realize what he put me through….

After all, that was his memory he left imprinted on me…..

Advertisements

provoking insanity part 3

Standard

after i got rid of that imaginary place and gave up on prayer , i tried not thinking to much about what i was going through… those words and phrases of being told i had a warped mind and was slow would sit as dormant bubbles ready to pop at any given notice….. how do i relax or calm down my mind , it seemed to me that fear wasn’t going anywhere but eventually i could novicate it… drinking since 7th or 8th grade proved helpful and easy to get my hands on especially when certain family members insisted i drink with them despite barely being a teen, it didn’t matter what type of liquor as long as it did its job.. shots, mixed or straight out of the bottle was no difference to me.. but liquor eased a certain amount of pain because the nearer i got to the end of the bottle those troubled memories seemed to open its self up even more so… the first hit from the pipe was exactly what i had been needing , there’s something in the way it smelt right when you open the baggy, or the way it feels as you inhale and the burn you feel right after you exhale.. it was something to fog\cloud and make me feel some kind of sanity for awhile … every party i was at always had the pipe ready and a steady flow of liquor… the weed was constant i smoked it every chance i could apples and soda cans where my favorite cause they where the easiest to dispose of.. at that time drinking and pot was all i was into everything else served me no purpose….but eventually i stopped smoking pot and the next couple years i just stuck to drinking… but a friend who must have felt my pain offered comfort that could only come from a line … in offering his hand he had a straw and then i took it down…the sensation through my body and the taste from the drip set my racing thoughts\bad memories calm it set those moments and feelings of insanity suddenly sane… something that small no bigger than the nail on your pinky crushed into a line anywhere you desire, something so small does something nothing\no one and not even i could have done for myself.. to me god not only came in the form of a piece of bread on sunday but in any shape or form even of that which is bad for you.. being almost 20 and finally coming across this, finally some sort of delusional sanity i convinced myself of.. i wish i would have found that sooner being i was told i was on drugs all my life… the random states of hallucinating where incredible it was something to switch it all up where my imagination came to life and the reality i was living in all of a sudden became bent… and coke, if i was looking for a high that consisted of something more than a delusional reality and drifting in and out of sleep and wanted to stay up and drink all night there is nothing more enjoying than not only numbing your nose but numbing memories as well… all the comfort that it offered wasn’t enough but some how i convinced myself that it was because as high as i was allowed no room for bad memories and the more i thought i did the more normal i thought i felt.. all my life i searched for this “normal” or “sane” way of being and even though id be lying if i said i didn’t enjoy the drugs or the way i felt on them they only served as a momentary escape from myself.. seeing how the men in my life acted on meth and the monsters they became on it was the only drug i wouldn’t allow myself to do but it’s not my place to judge anyone’s choice\preference in whatever soothes\pacifies them…   i see that this person who tried convincing me as a kid i was slow, insane and brain dead was coming from someone who is strung out on meth , paranoid and going mad.. all of what he was telling me i was he was feeling going on with him… do you forgive that when it’s not their fault knowing meth altered who they where or accepting of the fact they “claim” sobriety in all they said and did to you as a child… the words of the course of years is what convinced me as a kid i had a warped mind.. in an asylum like atmosphere where you already lay vulnerable to losing your mind combined with the repetition of convincing statements like having a “warped mind” is what was provoking my insanity..

provoking insanity part 2

Standard

as a child and unsure about certain things with how or why i was treated a certain way. and being told how i was acting was weird and that my brain was warped because…….. well i was never really sure what i did that made it seem like i had a “warped mind” especially being that young anyways i didn’t know what it meant to have a fucking “warped mind”.. so….. i went within and started creating stories of a different kind of life.. what my perception as a kid of this so called “normal” life and a “normal” way of being…………………………………as i lay down in my room by myself and as quiet as i could get the room i went somewhere else………….. i could make it feel so real..  i could go anywhere i wanted, anywhere at all….i hated who i was as a child so i created me older.. mid 20’s maybe..i put myself far away from a life i new.. i took it to new york, particularly the city.. not knowing anything of out side of vegas it felt like i was so familiar with new york and all its streets.. i had absolute control of this world and made it feel so real and if i felt i added something wrong or didn’t like i erased it and re did it… i could hear footsteps of people walking down the street and the conversations they carried.. the doors open or close.. lights being turned on or off.. noisy intersections.. everything…… i created the most loyal of friends who accompanied me there.. when i thought it should rain, i started to see it.. or when i ended up in central park i thought how beautiful it would look to see it snow there and i made it happen.. i could feel the snow flakes drop on my cheeks and my breath in the air as i walk the park… i created and could feel this sense of “happiness” and perhaps a sense of being okay with myself.. i imagine at some point i would be hungry and thirsty so i would walk into and “enjoy” some italian restaurant.. i did things i felt i could never have done like voicing my opinion or standing up for myself so in this world i created i incorporated altercations that would or could arise and only there i could be this person i was never comfortable with… out of pure wonder i added an emotion that i thought and wondered if i could connect with… love….. i substituted my waking life for an imaginary one and went there often.. i used it as an escape… and couldn’t wait to get back there… as real as it felt, and as real as i made it… i new it wasn’t… but it gave me a momentary escape with what i was going through… but the moment i seen the movies “gothika” and “hide and seek” quickly made that imaginary place disappear, and out of curiosity of wondering what insanity and a broken mind was i looked it up and it scared away any kind of imaginary place that i created.. i didn’t feel insane or warped but his convincing statements and words was like he was provoking my insanity…