misconstrued weakness

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Growing up i didn’t think i was tough, i didn’t know what tough even meant as kid.. if there was a chance i might have thought i was tough or strong it was shut down by always being told i was nothing but a little b**ch or a little girl or a p***y and that’s just to keep it mild, but anything you could say to make a little boy feel like a little girl was said…

i never thought i was tough or strong in all the fights i got into as a kid or an adult, maybe i won or maybe i didn’t, it didn’t matter, i just knew i could handle my own for the most part…

i looked for answers in all i was going through, i was told on a few occasions that ” i was incredibly strong for what i had been through ” or that all that i had been through would make me “tough”…. i couldn’t see that, in fact i thought that i was incredibly weak…

i thought that i was a weak person because i couldn’t let go of the past for the longest time…

i thought for sure i was a weak person if i let it show that what i was going through was bothering me or getting to me, that is perhaps why nobody knew me and everyone thought i was alright.. to me pretending to be okay was far easier than admitting to myself i wasn’t okay…

i held it together most of the time, but i saw that you can only maintain a full glass of water so long before it begins to overflow, crack or tip over… i hid it so no one would see, i covered myself with a blanket and the streaming began… i never knew you could cry that much, it wouldn’t stop i thought for sure i would run my tears dry or that my tear glands would stop producing… and in that moment it made me feel so weak and vulnerable…

in re-piecing myself together i look at the broken pieces of who i once was, the memories within each piece, the pain, tears and every emotion that consumes those pieces, were i foolishly thought it was all making me weak i see now that it was strengthening me… i couldn’t see it in the midst of going through and feeling it, but i can begin to understand it as i look back on it…

tough wasn’t the fact that i could handle my own in a fight, or not allow myself to feel or cry when i was upset, everything i went through in my past not only made me tough but it gave me strength..