Imprinted Memories

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When i was in middle school i was completely rebellious and rowdy, got in trouble Alot, frequent fights and poor choices probably was my form of release from the things that were taking place but in doing that it gave me a couple trips to behavior school and then a moment of standing before a judge… before i walked in my attorney tells me “the judge is pushing for you to do jail time so when you get in their do not smile do not frown and answer her yes ma’am no ma’am”, she was obviously in a pissed off mood and my hearing didn’t make her anymore happy… i walked in and shot down everything inside of me so i wouldn’t bring attention to myself exactly like my attorney had said to do, little did he know i was completely accustomed to acting like that, i did it all the time…

I had around 140 hrs of community service to do, all of which i did at the elementary school down the street, one of the nights there i had finished up and my beeper beeped with a message from my “step-dad” that read “i will pick you up after your done, be in front of the school”… after i was done around maybe 9’oclock i got out and looked for his jaguar, but the night was eerily quiet, it started to make me nervous and after waiting a few minutes i thought perhaps he didn’t see me so i decided to walk up a little ways to where their was more light so it would be easier for him to spot me, he eventually found me and after i got in and closed the door he freaked out because i wasn’t in front of the school like he said, he must have thought i couldn’t hear him screaming so he lowered the already low sounding music, he turned to look at me and once he saw his yelling wasn’t affecting me he took his right hand off the steering wheel and without hesitation swung the back of his hand into my chest in a fit of rage for the duration of the red light, the light turned green which was probably the go ahead for him to stop and he was completely winded it took him a minute to catch his breathe.. The silence in the car was more deafening than his yelling… I was already in shock by the whole thing but when he said “If you say Anything to your mother it will be 10 times worse” it made me even more freaked out… as i walked into the house completely unfazed by what had just taken place,Β  i saw my mother and i put my head down and walked up the stairs and she asked if everything is okay and my “step-father” answered for me and said yeah he is fine he’s just tired…

All these years later, i began speaking through my silence and in telling my mother about it, i felt as if i had completely re-opened that memory… that moment played so clear for me, i can still hear how quiet it got after it settled down, i can still feel the impact of the back of his hand against my chest or the thud it made as he hit my chest… i feel like those moments of shock are imprinted into your memory and reserved for a later time when your ready to come to terms with things….

In settling things within myself that memory opened up to me, and while i realize that the “why’s” are rarely met with an answer, and the i am sorry are rarely genuine if they are even given at all…. As i let the memory play for me, i gave it back to him because i am sure if it played that clear for me it would play that clear for him and in seeing, hearing and feeling what i felt maybe he then would realize what he put me through….

After all, that was his memory he left imprinted on me…..

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49 thoughts on “Imprinted Memories

  1. It’s brave of you to open up this way. Thanks for sharing your past struggles. It seems like you are moving on in the right path. Don’t ever get discouraged. It may feel like you are carrying a big boulder sometimes, but memories help you become stronger.

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  2. My Mother’s heart is broken for you the child, Teddy. Tears are filling my eyes but I am happy you are working through it all. Your step father is lucky you were such a fine young man deep inside. Never stop talking until there is nothing left to say. Hugs.

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  3. PTSD. My father cornered me with a butcher knife once when I was 14 and it’s pretty scary. I used to recall those memories just like you said, just like it was all happening again. But when I wrote them out and published them, do you know what happened? The emotions associated with them began to fade and now they are silent movie pictures in my head. Thank you for sharing. I pray you are finding peace. πŸ˜ŒπŸ™

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  4. wow… you are working through a lot and opening yourself up to release it. i commend you, Teddy. it is hard to work through the things one has experienced injustly, and even harder to share those hard things with others. we heal, and through our healing, we heal others.

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  5. Another beautiful, soul searing post. I hope Teddy, by sharing you story with us you realize what a beautiful, kind, wonderful person you have become. πŸ™‚

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  6. I like analyticalperspective’s comment, that writing all this down may help you distance yourself from it. Not that it can ever go away. Thanks for sharing this very personal story. I hope the positive feedback you are getting helps erase some of the negative feelings planted in you by that man.

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  7. I am so glad you started telling your Mom. It must be terrifying to have to keep that a secret as a child. You may have been in middle school, but you were still just a child. I am glad you can write about it now. It is freeing πŸ™‚

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  8. Sometimes the most important lessons come from people who set the worst example. You will be a better person because of the memory of someone who was a bad example. Good descriptive post.

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  9. I have nominated you for the Brave Heart Award. If you would like to accept it, please go to http://turkeyboneheaven.com/2014/03/22/brave-heart-award-announcement/ for details.

    Stand Strong You Are Not Alone

    I call you a survivor, because that is what you are. There are days when you don’t feel like a survivor and there are days when the memories trigger your past and it feels like you are loosing the fight – but you are not. Take the past and heal with it. You are strong. I want you to know that the abuse was not your fault. It does not matter what age it happened. You did not deserve it, you did not cause it, and you did not bring it on yourself. You own no shame, guilt, or remorse. In your life, you have faced many demons but look around you and you will see there is hope, and there is beauty. You are beautiful, You are loved, there is hope. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You deserve peace and joy in your life. Don’t settle for anything less than that. God has plans for you. Your future does not have to be dictated by your past.

    Each step you take you are not alone.

    Stand Strong.

    The Redheaded Wonderblog

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  10. This is so honest and I felt my heart thud along with you. Memories are not to be suppressed otherwise they wouldn’t ring so clear exactly as you said. Stay with the thud, let it wash over you and don’t be afraid to face it.
    Thank you for such a beautiful piece.

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  11. I never never thought of it like that. a memory left imprinted. and giving it back to them, that if you can recall and remember, so can they. i had two relationships where similar things happened and Ive been trying to figure out how to let it go and wonder why it happened. thank you for posting this. wow.

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    • I couldn’t get past some of the memories for along time but once I started acknowledging them I had wondered if they thought about those moments as well. I thought if I suppressed it was it suppressed in them. And so I thought maybe if I let the memories play and when it was done I thought the best I could do for me to move on was give the imprinted memories back to those who left them imprinted.

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  12. I am doing the same in book form and I am going to publish under a pen-name. But my book is about Ex’s that have hurt me. I believe it will help heal the pain. I pray your writing helps you.

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  13. My book is on the subject of an abusive step-dad and all of my imprinted memories. It is over halfway finished and will be published through Kindle with a pen name. Even though my mom saw everything happen over the years, I forgave her. It was a long, difficult journey.

    I want to cry and give you a motherly hug. Be strong and keep writing.

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    • Thank you Anna, you’ll have to inform me when it’s all done and published, i look forward to reading it… we do share A lot in common, it’s crazy… what’s fascinating is my mothers names Anna as well… Thank you for the motivation and your kind words anna… i appreciate it πŸ™‚

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  14. I am sorry this memory has stayed with you all of this time. I have similar memories that stand out from my own childhood.
    Have you ever thought of doing work to heal your inner child? It may sound odd, but it’s actually very helpful for those of us whose present life is being influenced by hurts we’ve held onto since we were children…childhood is supposed to be a time of innocence and protection by the adults in our lives. Oftentimes that just doesn’t happen because they still have hurts from their own childhood.
    Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to do so, especially as a man. As Anna said, it called out my motherly instinct and made me wish there were a way to comfort you…
    Without knowing anything more than the few posts I’ve read, there are three things that come to mind that may be of help: Guided meditations for self-love (can be found on YouTube, healing your inner child, and doing some work with emotional release…

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    • Thank you Kim that means a lot to me. It took me awhile but i gave in and started doing inner child work. I wouldn’t have thought that the things that hurt me as a child would influence things now. What is emotional release?

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      • It’s similar to inner child work. It’s where you identify the beliefs that are affecting your life in a negative manner, such as not being good enough, or attractive enough, or worthy of someone’s love. These beliefs are usually cumulative and result from things that happened to us in childhood and early adulthood.
        Or, perhaps we did something that we’ve always felt guilty about and never resolved the guilt.
        One way to know if you should practice emotional release is that you might always have a vague feeling of sadness or anxiety without any reason in your current life to feel that way. Those feelings come from our subconscious and we’re often not even aware of the reason why because the reasons have been buried over the years where they come out in other areas of our life.
        If you’re interested, you could Google “Emotional Release Techniques” and do some looking around until you find a site that resonates with you. There are also many videos on YouTube under the same search terms πŸ™‚

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      • I’m still working on it because I have memories not only from childhood, but also young adulthood, and most recently a marriage to an emotionally abusive Narcissist. I had sever codependency issues and am also going to incorporate energy healing (reiki massage and acupuncture). I also need to heal my body because all the negative emotions manifest into physical symptoms and disease…so, while I am in a much better place than, say, a year and a half ago, I have more work to do to completely heal my psyche, energy, and body…

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      • No…I’m not with him any longer. However, he is still present in my life because we share a son.
        Healing takes a while, and it takes the work. I hope you will find some methods that work for you. When you do find the right methods, and stick with them for as long as needed, there is usually a transformation into an almost new person. I hope that happens for you because it’s a state of true happiness…best of luck, and feel free to reach out at any time.

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