Creating Your Own Fate

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Karma… I was told growing up that what i did to other people, people would do to me or if i stole i would have my things stolen…

When i was barely a teenager i would See thick stacks of 100$ bills tucked away in cabinets or in the bathroom or what appeared to be a book but when i opened it up it had the middle taken out and was filled with 100$ bills and every time i saw piles of cash like that i thought to myself their not gonna notice 2 or 3 hundred dollars missing but every single time i took it within minutes they came looking for me… I couldn’t get away with it, i got caught every single time….

I was a few months away from turning 18 when i started working and I didn’t want to open a bank account i preferred just to keep cash and hid it in certain spots i thought no one would find.. every check i cashed i started noticing i was missing money, 20 here 40 there sometimes even more and i was pissed off every time because i didn’t make that much, and after awhile of getting my money stolen i thought, how mad could i possibly be at that… karma was collecting the debt’s i owed… but i began to wonder if karma showed favoritism and was more lenient on some and went into full force with others.. I knew i stole a lot and had a lot to account for but i stole from crooks and plus i was a kid… it took me being a little older to realize that whether i was stealing from a crook or an honest man that karma was karma….

i wondered why it took place so quick with me and yet with others who had done far worse things within the family it took so long for karma to make its presence known with them… maybe karma expected more out of me that’s why it came so quick…. for awhile it seemed the more evil you were the longer or less likely karma came around..

I thought that until one night while i was out i got a phone call from my mother who informed me that someone had died…From what i am told this person was hit by a vehicle and didn’t die right away, this person suffered for quite sometime….. In being hit, it crushed their chest and completely paralyzed this person.. This person was left in a wheel, on an oxygen tank to assist their breathing, bags that filled when going to the bathroom and could hear but couldn’t speak…

i saw this individual after the accident and noticed how completely different this person looked… i saw someone vulnerable, fragile, frail and completely helpless… i thought about the moments as a child in the locked garage when not just my clothes were stripped but my life was completely stripped and shattered… i struggled for so many years from the demented things i was put through, i remained silent and didn’t want to talk about those moments and i saw how life took their voice… Those moments haunted me all my life and at times when i saw this person their was a look of fear in their eyes like maybe the accident played as a haunting memory , or perhaps the things this person did to me as a child were haunting their memories… those moments this person hurt me i was completely helpless and for awhile this person sat very helpless… i saw how life made this person feel everything i felt… This person had their way with me as a child, but life now had it’s way with this person…

I realize now that at some point life catches up with everybody, it shows no favoritism like i thought and goes after some quicker than others.. i see karma leaves no debt uncollected.. it takes time to set up that moment for karma to go into full effect….

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Ruptured Secrets

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if i could have blacked it out and never remembered it again i would have, if i could have went in and pulled out those memories that altered the rest of my life i would have, if there was ever such thing as surgically removing haunting memories i would pay it… the memory so traumatizing i wonder if it haunts the people that did what they did… but I had buried it away and had no intentions in ever going there again, i thought i did a pretty good job because i managed to barely think of what had happened and felt like i mastered the art of pretending like i was completely alright… i kept the secret to myself…

i tried as hard as i could to keep it buried and tucked away, in some weird way i thought i could black it out so i couldn’t remember it at all… i thought i could trick my mind into completely forgetting what had happened, i completely fooled myself and i realize now how unbelievably powerful our minds are… in a completely unpredictable moment that memory surfaced and felt as if i had been taken back to the moment it was taking place.. the fact i had i put so much into erasing and hiding all that is probably why it came back to me so violently… maybe my out of control inner demons broke through or an inner angel thought it was best on my behalf to open my Pandora’s box, either way it brought me back to place i had completely tried to forget…

i held to that secret, and the fact i was completely lost and so unsure of who i was + finding comfort in a variety of drugs to distort my reality and all the liquor help put numerous seals to keep that secret locked and tucked away…. my mind would push through all that inner debris and bring forth a memory i tried so hard to forget..

as i read Sigmund Freud’s Psychodynamic theory…….

Quality parenting

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i can’t say what a good parent is, nor do i have any kids to hand out advice…i have been around quite a few parents to see a common trait or perhaps a common quality they all seem to share from my friends parents to complete strangers who have kids even those life calls my family, and i couldn’t help but to notice how they all talk shit about their kids and don’t seem to mind everyone else doing so either..  i can’t imagine what could possibly compel a mother or father to completely cut down and ridicule one of their own.. if a parent is let down,disappointed and perhaps completely embarrassed from their child’s bad behavior and poor choices is it okay then to mock and ridicule them.. i am sure if the parent feels that child is disgracing the family’s name then it might be okay to trash their kids name even though that kid still carries the family name…

i wonder if a parent feels that their child poses some kind of a challenge or threat to them because in some kind of confused and distorted way of thinking that their child is either more of a man or women then they are so they find it acceptable to start talking shit about them and satisfaction in the fact that some people jump on their bandwagon and start talking shit about their kids as well…

maybe the parent had a child with some one they once loved but eventual would absolutely hate and are constantly reminded of him or her when they see this child and that alone for them is enough to bad their kid..

im sure if this parent feels like they didn’t amount to much in life or didn’t enjoy life like they would have liked to or feels like life was much harder on them and see that their kids can amount to much more and hold potential or find some kind of enjoyment in life or sees that life is much easier on their kids then it was on them that it is alright then to completely bad mouth their kids… i couldn’t imagine why any parent would be jealous of their own but it seems that way..

i wonder if certain things that bothers a parent enough to cut down their children is actually how that parent views and feels about them self .. after all it is DNA your going after

perhaps it’s none of the above and that they just didn’t want kids to begin with .. life has left them bitter, cold and a distasteful out look on life and the fact they became a parent only worsened it…

maybe it’s not even that, maybe that’s how they’re parents raised them….

This shoe store

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vegas isn’t a city im fond of nor have i found it to offer anything other then a good night you can’t recall and cheap drugs within arms reach all within a sleepless city and a steady supply is something that i am assuming makes vegas worthwhile …. to find some one who’s not bitter and pissed at one thing or another let alone strung up or strung out on this or that is an odd thing to come across….. it’s not all pessimistic views for this city that raised me, vegas just suits some people more than others…  what keeps vegas interesting to me isn’t the tourist who occupy the strip get drunk and cause scenes , but to me it’s the moments that perhaps go unnoticed most… we drove through this shit hole shopping center looking for this shoe store we were told about .. walking into this store i noticed the extra security measures that were taken to at least attempt to prevent any robberies or vandalism from the surrounding neighborhood which isn’t an alright area … the bars on windows and the barbed wire on the roof to keep people out of the stores that their hopes revolves around… when i got into the store i noticed how it was only us in there despite the big sale that had been posted in the window, either were in a moment were we missed a lot of people or had been her only customers for the day… given the surroundings the store was in she had kept her store incredibly clean and neat as you could tell she loved it with how she took care of it… she was completely helpful with my mom in something that she needed.. she was running her store with her daughter who was probably only 9 or 10 and when my mother went to the counter ready to check out mom asked if she could check the zippers to her heels to make sure they worked, the lady grabbed a pair and went to zip it up…. in her daughter noticing her mom couldn’t get it to zip she grabbed the other heel and tried her self… you could tell with how her daughter jumped right into helping her mother without being asked that she was probably used to helping her mom…where the mom was struggling with it eventually the daughter spoke up and said she got it to work and showed my mom… the way her mom glanced over at her and smiled was beautiful.. you could see struggle, pain and maybe worry in the moms eyes but when her daughter got the zipper to work you could see this sense of relief and reliance that she had towards her daughter.. walking out of the store it reminded me of certain things in my life.. being relied on as a child showed me how important that comfort is in peoples life… some things are even clearer to see or feel when you have or have felt those same things in your life..